Mixed feelings

You would think after losing almost 50lbs you would feel great! But not me :/ I just feel worthless. I keep trying to make these feelings go away but I'm having a difficult time. It's 4am where my mom lives and i decided to call her while I was outside smoking trying to keep myself from having a mental break down. All I want when I talk to my mom is to here her says she's proud of me. Tonight she did and was telling me how great I'm doing and to fight the feelings I'm having. For some reason I'm still feeling down. And usually knowing she's proud of me would make my day. I sit in denial thinking, "oh I can stand to cook and clean, I can do this and that but I'm just lazy" to make myself feel better and trick myself into thinking that I'm not immobile. But yesterday when it came down to a serious situation, that didn't even require a lot of physical movement, I was unable to even do that little bit. So all this trying to fool myself into thinking I'm just lazy was totally shot down, and made me realize what little I'm really able to do even pushing myself as far as possible. I kept telling myself that all I need to do is lose 50lbs and once I do that I'll be a ton more mobile and without so much pain. Realistically I think now its going to take 100-150lbs loss before I really start getting some mobility back. I really wish it didn't feel like I was fighting a loosing battle.

On a good note, I've been really wanting to quit smoking but didn't have the money to afford the gum or anything else that would help aid me in quitting. I talked to my husband and he is wanting to quit to. So I got on the internet and started looking and found a quit smoking site that I was able to sign us both up on. What's great about this site is they pay for ALL the nicorette you need to quit smoking! For free! I ordered him the lozenges and myself the gum and they will ship the first 2 boxes of each off by next week. I'm excited to actually be able to give my all and quit this time and have the help of a nicotine aid! I can't wait for them to arrive! Our quit day is set to January 16th! This is going to be hard, I've been smoking for 15 years but I know if I try hard, I'll be able to kick the habit! I'll be posting able that journey and things I'll be doing to help fight the cravings on here as well. Well, I just felt like jumping on and blogging about the feelings I've been having since it seems to be helping me get through it.

Helplessness ....

It feels great knowing that I am making progress but I had a reality check this morning that really opened my eyes.

My husband was up all night vomiting, no idea why or where it came from and it's not like him to get sick. Our 2 year old has a head cold but no vomiting. Well I was up all night trying to take care of them and couldn't :( I had to sit down and just cry as my whole body was hurting so bad I was just shaking and trying to catch my breath and I wasn't hardly doing anything but trying to get them water and keep my son from destroying everything. Well my husband went to the bathroom yet again vomiting and then called for me so I hurried to the bathroom and hes standing in the doorway with his arms stuck in the position they were in and his hands were stuck in the fist position. He was breathing heavily and having a hard time standing so I helped him over to the bed and he was almost crying because his hands were causing so much pain and he couldn't open them. I didn't want to leave his side but my son was getting in to everything and I started to panic because my husband was rolling around the bed in pain. At that moment I realized I cant do what I need to do, what I could normally do and all I could do was panic and cry. I wanted to get him to the hospital but I cant even get my son into the car and strapped in the car seat myself without having to sit and cry in pain. Let alone go back in get my husband to the car and get us to the hospital and then walk in the hospital carrying my son helping my husband in. UGH I have been in pieces all day because of this! I ended up calling 911 and waking up my friends that are staying here to help me. Turns out the hands and arms clenched due to hyperventilating while vomiting. Thank God it wasn't something serious but I cant help but worry. That was so scary!

Once things calmed down I sat outside and just cried. I felt SO helpless!!! What if something else happens and I can't do what I need to do? This is the scariest thought ever! I'm glad I'm working hard to get healthy and this was totally a motivation to work even harder and push through the depression and anxiety I have. I knew exactly what I needed to do today and what I would have did, but it came down to the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing it anymore. I just need to remember I CAN do this and I WILL succeed!

Stats! (a little late)

 So I wanted to record my stats on here as a way to keep track of my progress and see how far I have came. I started this journey on October 21st and my starting weight was 515.5 lbs! I was to the point I just wanted to lay in bed 24/7 and wait until the day I die came, because I knew at the point I was at and the health problems I have that it wouldn't be long. I would cry in fear knowing that I wouldn't be around to watch my son grow up. I felt horrible for my husband and on many occasions told him that if I were him  I would leave me because it's not fair to him to have to take care of me. I was at the point were everything felt hopeless and felt there was nothing I could do. I am not even 30 years old yet and to the pint I'm not mobile other than being able to walk to my vehicle and that was pretty much the extent. Not to mention the excruciating pain that my whole body (my back is the absolute worst!) is in 24/7. When you get to that point what do you do? I couldn't go for walks to get exercise  pretty much nothing. Just walking like 10ft to the bathroom and my heart rate was that of someone who just ran a marathon. My pulse at rest is over 150 24/7 if you can imagine how the slightest physical activity spikes it up. Ok well I sat here last night fighting with myself to post this so I think I just need to do it and own up to what I have done to myself.


Weight as of 12/24/2012:
473lbs

Measurements:

Calves - 21 inches
Thighs - 32 inches
Biceps - 21 inches
Elbow - 14 inches
Hips 74 inches
Waist - 71 inches
Chest - 76 Inches
Above Chest (under arms) - 60 inches
Neck - 21 inches


Ok I have listed them, now I just have to press publish :/ I am beyond ashamed but I am who I am and by next year and the year after and so on I will become the person that I want to be! :)

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.

Christmas!

Wrapping those presents took WAY longer than expected! But they are all finished along with chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate I made for the kids! :) This year we are blessed to have another family here with us. I think I'm more excited to record them opening presents and watching their faces light up then the kids are getting ready to open them! Lol I have the blog started on the computer with the stats, but need to wait until tonight to finish and post it. I can say as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! It still hasn't registered in my head as I cant see much of a difference, but my sweats are starting to not stay up on my butt lol Looking back on where we were and what we had last year compared to this year makes me cry! We have came so far and I'm so proud of my husband and I. I can't believe we are having a Christmas this beautiful! I Thank the lord for that, as he has blessed us with the hard work we put forth to get here. And the fact we have our own place to live finally is an amazing feeling! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas everyone! And remember to cherish every moment you have to spend with your loved ones as you never know what tomorrow brings! And don't take the little things for granted, look at all the beauty life is in itself :)

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

Upcoming Christmas Dinner

The holidays are upon us! I was watching a show yesterday that said that the typical holiday meal ranges from 3,500-4,000 calories! That's quite a hefty amount of calories for one meal lol So this year for Christmas dinner I'm going to eat turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes but limit them. The turkey is healthy without skin but the potatoes and stuffing are really bad for someone with diabetes. I'll probably make myself some veggies to take place of the excess potatoes and stuffing that will be tempting me. I started researching the glycemic index to help me understand what foods are good and bad for diabetics and I have to say from what I have learned so far I'm pretty surprised at some food items that I thought were good for me that turned out to be worse for my blood sugar than ice cream. I've been battling my newly developed sweet tooth with the raisin cinnamon granola peanut butter. Omg its amazing! If I get a sweet tooth and cant fight the craving i eat one or two tablespoons with fresh celery. Its helped me get by so far. Also an apple or banana has helped some to if I'm just looking for something quick and sweet to snack on. I found this recipe that I made last month for healthy diabetic friendly cookies. Its no flour required, just oats, a tiny bit of peanut butter, one banana and a little splenda. They turned out amazing! I think I might make a batch for Christmas so I'm not tempted to eat any of the candy or sweets. I'm bummed that satsumas will be out of season soon as those are like candy to me as well and full of vitamin c.

Sleep Schedule

I need to flip our sleep schedule. It's so hard remembering meals and meds when you wake at 2-4pm and head to bed at 4-6am. By the time we wake up our roommates are having dinner and heading to bed so it sucks. It would be nice to spend time with them during the day instead of being awake while they are asleep. I'm working on getting my measurements, but my son has been fussy so I'm hoping we can get him to bed soon and take care of that so I can blog it all tonight. I stopped by the store tonight and picked up some vitamin B-6 that I'm going to start taking in hopes that it gives me a slight energy boost. I take my multi vitamins everyday but I think one B-6 might help. I'm anemic so I was wanting to get some iron but they didn't have any that was on my budget. I think that's a big reason I'm always tired as well. Today my eating was great pretty much all veggies and a little fruit besides a little turkey and ham on my salad and a hard boiled egg. Sad thing is its 2am and its about "dinner" time for us. I just wanna go to bed but know I probably wont fall asleep forever. I keep telling myself I'm just going to stay up all night and day then go to bed at a normal time, but by the time we get our son to sleep there's no hope of me getting back outta bed lol. Well, going to attempt to put our son down early, wish me luck!

All in for better or for worse!

For those of you that have been reading my blogs, I bet your wondering what I look like size wise? Well I'm having my hubby find me a measuring tape right now. Once we get home I need to measure myself all over, get a current weight from today and take some before pictures. To give you a slight idea of my size until I make the official post ... It took me a LONG time to find an at home scale to weigh me and cost me almost $60 and I had to order it online. I HATE the word Bariatric! But that's the kind of things I had to shop for. I'm not looking forward to seeing that hard truth but I need to do it. Especially if I want to be able to really see my progress. I wish I would have started and did all that in October when I started making changes since I've lost a chunk of weight since then, but at least I am doing it now! :)

Mmm Temptations

Today was kind of rough on me due to the fact I give into temptation easily thinking, I can cheat a little today and start fresh tomorrow which also turns into "well since I'm cheating today I shouldn't worry about anything I eat" and then I feel I can do the same the next day and so on. I'm a sucker for pizza and today my friends bought papa johns pizza (my weakness...  mmm the butter garlic sauce!) And I was sooooo tempted to eat some. I know everything is ok in moderation, but I knew that where I am at on my journey right now 1 slice would have quickly turned into half a pizza. So I decided to take my hubby to the store and have him get me a few fruits and veggies. Man that pizza is still sitting there calling my name. And every time my husband walks by me he's eating a piece of pizza, or bread sticks, or Christmas cookies, or has a big bowl of cookies and cream ice cream... Ughhhh!! Lol why do we crave the things we know we shouldn't or cant have? Like, before I was diagnosed with diabetes I could care less about sweets. Now that I know I shouldn't have them I crave them BAD! Almost as bad as pregnancy cravings! No fun lol On another note... I keep reading how drinking 8 glasses of water helps keep you full ect. It doesn't help me a bit. I'm constantly drinking water (20-30 cups a day) and lately I feel hungry 24/7. Well its 4:40am and I'm in extreme pain so I'm going to try to get some sleep! :) Night

High Expectations

I'm sitting here kinda bummed hoping people would magically find my blog, hopefully be interested, and leave comments of support and encouragement. I need to remember that I haven't told hardly anyone about my blog and I tend to ramble so I might not get many people that are even interested in reading my blog. I hope in the future someone that chooses to read this, might be interested in my journey and want to be here and support me :) I haven't did a post yet of my weight, how much I have lost yet, when I started my journey or anything else but I promise I will soon. Until I hit 100lbs lost I wont be posting about my blog on my social media sites as I'm VERY ashamed of how bad my weight became. Once I hit 100lbs lost I'll be continuing blogging a lot but I also will be starting a YouTube channel and doing a daily video where I can talk and express things better and feel more connected with my supporters and hopefully encourage other people that are sitting at home feeling completely hopeless and like giving up that it is possible to get your life back and live instead of feeling like your already dead and living on borrowed time, as I still do but know I'm going to prove myself wrong and be here to watch my child grow up! Which is the main reason I have started this journey. If anyone is indeed reading this please feel free to comment as I would love any tips, encouragement or support :) if you would like to see my food log ect feel free to find me on caloriecount.com my name on there is onamissionformyself :)

Just don't wanna get outta bed? Me either!

Ahhh sleep lol yes it took me forever to fall asleep but let me tell you I could sleep non stop if I was able! My sleep schedule flipped again so I'm asleep for the better part of the day and up at night. I had it fixed for a little over a week then one night staying up flipped it. Having my schedule flipped makes it much harder in my head to say "hey its time for breakfast ect.." so I get hungry because I forget to eat when I'm supposed to, take my meds and vitamins late because I forget. Just overall confuses my clock. You would think that since I'm normally a night person I would be used to it, but nope, I'm not. Plus I just received a literal book in the mail regarding my insurance that starts next month an its quite overwhelming. I need to see a Dr asap to get stronger meds for my newly discovered diabetes since I'm only on glucophage because I was waiting for the test results to confirm the diabetes. Since the results were much worse than I expected my old Dr emailed me and said I need to figure out how to see a Dr here before my insurance kicked in cause I shouldn't wait and said I'll be most likely needing insulin and at least on other pill to help control it. I wish I had a way to check my blood sugar, I'll hopefully have a way soon if I can afford the monitor and strips. Also I'm diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I refused meds for years up until recently because I was was able to control it for the most part. Unfortunately in the last year it has gotten so bad that it controls my life. And I finally gave in and asked for meds when I was able to see my Dr last month. The depression meds have helped quite a bit and I've been starting to slowly make progress. :) I have a long journey not only physically with the weight loss but also emotionally with my other equally as hard issues.

No sleep, hunger cravings...

Well its 6:39am and I can't sleep. Go figure lol I was laying in bed trying to fight those useless late night cravings and gave in. But its ok I was under on calories by quite a bit so I had the other half of my salad I had for lunch and ate 2 satsumas ... yummy! At least I didn't go for the bowl of canned chili and tortilla chips like I was craving lol I need to figure out a way to stop or detour my mind from late night cravings. Well, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep before my 2 year old wakes up. Night!

Managed to get in what I Needed

So after resting for a few from the pain and being able to get outta bed for a few hours I was able to meet 1,200 calories for the day. Its quite a bit less than my profile says I need to eat but I feel quite full and managed 15 glasses of water today. The water was on the low side, I usually drink 20-25 glasses a day. Its sooooo cold here and I have to keep my room like an ice box in order to sleep so maybe that's why my pain has been so much worse? Also I have had a non stop annoying headache all day which isn't usual? Well I'm off for the night, hoping to fall asleep within the next hour! :) Can't wait to blog tomorrow. This has really emotionally helped me along with the calorie counting. If anyone's reading, I hope you all have a great night and sweet dreams and PLEASE be careful going out tomorrow I case some people decide to do crazy things! <3

Hmm? Ever felt afraid to eat?

I'm sitting here and its 8:45pm and I've only managed to eat under 700 calories. I was diagnosed with severe uncontrolled type 2 diabetes recently and I need to do more research about it so I don't feel so bad eating. I'm trying really hard to eat healthy but at the same time I have to figure out how to eat healthy with uncontrolled diabetes that at the moment I'm not even able to monitor. I'm in so much pain still and so tried for no reason I'm debating on heading to bed for a nap. I wish I didn't feel so worn out all the time I have absolutely no energy anymore. Even when I'm eating enough or to much I have no energy. I think that it might be due to all the other health issues I'm having. I could sleep 24 hours a day if I was able to. Do you ever lay down to go to bed but cant fall asleep for hours because you are afraid if you fall asleep you wont wake up? That's how I am. I'm terrified of going into diabetic coma or having a massive heart attack I live everyday in fear of dying. I HATE living in fear and letting it run my life! One day at a time I will take control of this fear and not let it ruin my life. It's going to be a process but I will get there!

Fighting Temptation! Argh!

So i had things to get done today and I don't really have healthy snacks I can grab and bring with me on the go due to a very limited budget. So I'm sitting here feeling like I'm starving passing every fast food place known to man trying soooo hard not to give in and get some cheap fast food to make my stomach stop talking :/ I need to eat before I leave or learn to make something at least semi healthy to keep me from getting to the point that I feel like I'm starving to death lol ugh! A pizza or burger sure does sound good though lol I'm hoping by blogging when these feelings hit me it will help me make them pass? We will see I guess. All I know is I stick to this and try my hardest or I might as well start planning my funeral. And to be honest even the thought of that scares the hell outta me. I know I can do this! It will be hard but if i try hard I can do anything i put my mind to! Well here's an end to me second blog as I'm sitting in the store parking lot waiting for my hubby to grab me a salad lol

The start of my long journey!

So this is the first post of many that I will be making! :) This post will be short as I'm laying in bed in a lot of pain. I have a headache and I'm assuming due to the cold my entire body is killing me to the point I can barely move :/ Well to start off I'm a 28yr old female that was recently given a wake up call by my Dr. I knew I had more health problems than just my weight just didn't know it was as bad as I found out it was. After finding out I cut all sodas out of my diet (I'm a complete soda addict!) And ended up losing 40lbs in about a months time. My severe depression, agoraphobia, and anxiety got the best of me and I ended up falling off the wagon per say. My friend told me about caloriecount.com and let me tell you that was an eye opener lol btw that is an AMAZING site to get the help and support to succeed! Its not just for people wanting to loose weight either its for people needing to loose, gain, maintain, or help battle eating disorders! Totally recommend it! :) For anyone who decides to read this you will get to know me over time in my posts as I'm a very honest and open person and will be holding myself accountable for my over eating, binge eating and emotional eating. For now I'm going to take a nap because even laying here typing on my phone is killing my arm lol til I post again! :)