Update...More to follow tonight

I was letting depression get the best of me again when I stopped the other day and started thinking. I need to get my head out of my ass. I know how hard the depression and anxiety is to deal with but WHY am I still letting it control my life? I was doing great and then slowly but surely fell back into the pit of depression. I didnt know what was causing it or why I was back to being that depressed so I had to get to the root of it and figure it out. After having a day long pity party with myself I decided it was simple. I needed to get my head out of my ass and no one could do that for me. I needed to stop making excuses for myself and start trying and pushing my limits. I will not lie depression is HORRIBLE, one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to fight. And for a long time it consumed me soooooo much I was to the point of questioning why I was even living.
One a great note we have been going to the YMCA to do swimming and I got a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor and some bathing suits!! Swimming is so amazing  I feel so alive in the water! And I have been getting my anxiety under control slowly but surely which is HUGE for me! I did something the other day i was SOOOO proud of! I walked through a Walgreen's for 30mins through the WHOLE store and then did it again later in the day!!!!!! I couldn't even get through the front door of the store before I would be in so much pain I would have to stop and sit back in my car not that long ago and now I can walk through the whole store!!! I will be posting a few more posts tonight. I got behind on my posts because I was letting the depression get the best of me. If you are out there and you feel hopeless or ike you cant do it, know you CAN! <3 Prove yourself wrong ;) If you need someone to talk to message me on facebook!

Personal Account: http://www.facebook.com/encourage.lynn
Weight-loss Journey Page: http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

Fighting the Depression Demon

So as you see I have been off for awhile. I have been battling with some severe depression that I let get the best of me. It was completely my fault though. With all the sleep schedule changes that have been going on I have forgot to take my meds for like the past week. Including my diabetic meds. NOT good and I totally feel it. I am back to the point I just want to sit in my room all day and sleep and that is what I was so proud that I was able to get past. I should acknowledge the small accomplishments that I have made and keep pushing forward no matter how I feel, but I let the depression win. I am here to take responsibility for wat I have done and from here on out promise myself I WILL try harder and KEEP pushing through! I have made a Facebook page so I can post on there as well ad find some support groups. If anyone is interested in that the link is

http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

I am looking for any support and encouragement! On a good note I went into Walgreen's the other day and actually walked through the WHOLE store!!! This is such a HUGE step for me! I was hurting soooo bad but I pushed through! I wasn't able to stay for check out, my hubby had to stay and do that for me but I was able to get through the store! So as I end this entry I want to share some awesome pictures that I found but this is not cooperating! lol So I will figure it out on post them in another post :)

Stats! (a little late)

 So I wanted to record my stats on here as a way to keep track of my progress and see how far I have came. I started this journey on October 21st and my starting weight was 515.5 lbs! I was to the point I just wanted to lay in bed 24/7 and wait until the day I die came, because I knew at the point I was at and the health problems I have that it wouldn't be long. I would cry in fear knowing that I wouldn't be around to watch my son grow up. I felt horrible for my husband and on many occasions told him that if I were him  I would leave me because it's not fair to him to have to take care of me. I was at the point were everything felt hopeless and felt there was nothing I could do. I am not even 30 years old yet and to the pint I'm not mobile other than being able to walk to my vehicle and that was pretty much the extent. Not to mention the excruciating pain that my whole body (my back is the absolute worst!) is in 24/7. When you get to that point what do you do? I couldn't go for walks to get exercise  pretty much nothing. Just walking like 10ft to the bathroom and my heart rate was that of someone who just ran a marathon. My pulse at rest is over 150 24/7 if you can imagine how the slightest physical activity spikes it up. Ok well I sat here last night fighting with myself to post this so I think I just need to do it and own up to what I have done to myself.


Weight as of 12/24/2012:
473lbs

Measurements:

Calves - 21 inches
Thighs - 32 inches
Biceps - 21 inches
Elbow - 14 inches
Hips 74 inches
Waist - 71 inches
Chest - 76 Inches
Above Chest (under arms) - 60 inches
Neck - 21 inches


Ok I have listed them, now I just have to press publish :/ I am beyond ashamed but I am who I am and by next year and the year after and so on I will become the person that I want to be! :)

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

Mmm Temptations

Today was kind of rough on me due to the fact I give into temptation easily thinking, I can cheat a little today and start fresh tomorrow which also turns into "well since I'm cheating today I shouldn't worry about anything I eat" and then I feel I can do the same the next day and so on. I'm a sucker for pizza and today my friends bought papa johns pizza (my weakness...  mmm the butter garlic sauce!) And I was sooooo tempted to eat some. I know everything is ok in moderation, but I knew that where I am at on my journey right now 1 slice would have quickly turned into half a pizza. So I decided to take my hubby to the store and have him get me a few fruits and veggies. Man that pizza is still sitting there calling my name. And every time my husband walks by me he's eating a piece of pizza, or bread sticks, or Christmas cookies, or has a big bowl of cookies and cream ice cream... Ughhhh!! Lol why do we crave the things we know we shouldn't or cant have? Like, before I was diagnosed with diabetes I could care less about sweets. Now that I know I shouldn't have them I crave them BAD! Almost as bad as pregnancy cravings! No fun lol On another note... I keep reading how drinking 8 glasses of water helps keep you full ect. It doesn't help me a bit. I'm constantly drinking water (20-30 cups a day) and lately I feel hungry 24/7. Well its 4:40am and I'm in extreme pain so I'm going to try to get some sleep! :) Night

High Expectations

I'm sitting here kinda bummed hoping people would magically find my blog, hopefully be interested, and leave comments of support and encouragement. I need to remember that I haven't told hardly anyone about my blog and I tend to ramble so I might not get many people that are even interested in reading my blog. I hope in the future someone that chooses to read this, might be interested in my journey and want to be here and support me :) I haven't did a post yet of my weight, how much I have lost yet, when I started my journey or anything else but I promise I will soon. Until I hit 100lbs lost I wont be posting about my blog on my social media sites as I'm VERY ashamed of how bad my weight became. Once I hit 100lbs lost I'll be continuing blogging a lot but I also will be starting a YouTube channel and doing a daily video where I can talk and express things better and feel more connected with my supporters and hopefully encourage other people that are sitting at home feeling completely hopeless and like giving up that it is possible to get your life back and live instead of feeling like your already dead and living on borrowed time, as I still do but know I'm going to prove myself wrong and be here to watch my child grow up! Which is the main reason I have started this journey. If anyone is indeed reading this please feel free to comment as I would love any tips, encouragement or support :) if you would like to see my food log ect feel free to find me on caloriecount.com my name on there is onamissionformyself :)

Just don't wanna get outta bed? Me either!

Ahhh sleep lol yes it took me forever to fall asleep but let me tell you I could sleep non stop if I was able! My sleep schedule flipped again so I'm asleep for the better part of the day and up at night. I had it fixed for a little over a week then one night staying up flipped it. Having my schedule flipped makes it much harder in my head to say "hey its time for breakfast ect.." so I get hungry because I forget to eat when I'm supposed to, take my meds and vitamins late because I forget. Just overall confuses my clock. You would think that since I'm normally a night person I would be used to it, but nope, I'm not. Plus I just received a literal book in the mail regarding my insurance that starts next month an its quite overwhelming. I need to see a Dr asap to get stronger meds for my newly discovered diabetes since I'm only on glucophage because I was waiting for the test results to confirm the diabetes. Since the results were much worse than I expected my old Dr emailed me and said I need to figure out how to see a Dr here before my insurance kicked in cause I shouldn't wait and said I'll be most likely needing insulin and at least on other pill to help control it. I wish I had a way to check my blood sugar, I'll hopefully have a way soon if I can afford the monitor and strips. Also I'm diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I refused meds for years up until recently because I was was able to control it for the most part. Unfortunately in the last year it has gotten so bad that it controls my life. And I finally gave in and asked for meds when I was able to see my Dr last month. The depression meds have helped quite a bit and I've been starting to slowly make progress. :) I have a long journey not only physically with the weight loss but also emotionally with my other equally as hard issues.

The start of my long journey!

So this is the first post of many that I will be making! :) This post will be short as I'm laying in bed in a lot of pain. I have a headache and I'm assuming due to the cold my entire body is killing me to the point I can barely move :/ Well to start off I'm a 28yr old female that was recently given a wake up call by my Dr. I knew I had more health problems than just my weight just didn't know it was as bad as I found out it was. After finding out I cut all sodas out of my diet (I'm a complete soda addict!) And ended up losing 40lbs in about a months time. My severe depression, agoraphobia, and anxiety got the best of me and I ended up falling off the wagon per say. My friend told me about caloriecount.com and let me tell you that was an eye opener lol btw that is an AMAZING site to get the help and support to succeed! Its not just for people wanting to loose weight either its for people needing to loose, gain, maintain, or help battle eating disorders! Totally recommend it! :) For anyone who decides to read this you will get to know me over time in my posts as I'm a very honest and open person and will be holding myself accountable for my over eating, binge eating and emotional eating. For now I'm going to take a nap because even laying here typing on my phone is killing my arm lol til I post again! :)