Helplessness ....

It feels great knowing that I am making progress but I had a reality check this morning that really opened my eyes.

My husband was up all night vomiting, no idea why or where it came from and it's not like him to get sick. Our 2 year old has a head cold but no vomiting. Well I was up all night trying to take care of them and couldn't :( I had to sit down and just cry as my whole body was hurting so bad I was just shaking and trying to catch my breath and I wasn't hardly doing anything but trying to get them water and keep my son from destroying everything. Well my husband went to the bathroom yet again vomiting and then called for me so I hurried to the bathroom and hes standing in the doorway with his arms stuck in the position they were in and his hands were stuck in the fist position. He was breathing heavily and having a hard time standing so I helped him over to the bed and he was almost crying because his hands were causing so much pain and he couldn't open them. I didn't want to leave his side but my son was getting in to everything and I started to panic because my husband was rolling around the bed in pain. At that moment I realized I cant do what I need to do, what I could normally do and all I could do was panic and cry. I wanted to get him to the hospital but I cant even get my son into the car and strapped in the car seat myself without having to sit and cry in pain. Let alone go back in get my husband to the car and get us to the hospital and then walk in the hospital carrying my son helping my husband in. UGH I have been in pieces all day because of this! I ended up calling 911 and waking up my friends that are staying here to help me. Turns out the hands and arms clenched due to hyperventilating while vomiting. Thank God it wasn't something serious but I cant help but worry. That was so scary!

Once things calmed down I sat outside and just cried. I felt SO helpless!!! What if something else happens and I can't do what I need to do? This is the scariest thought ever! I'm glad I'm working hard to get healthy and this was totally a motivation to work even harder and push through the depression and anxiety I have. I knew exactly what I needed to do today and what I would have did, but it came down to the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing it anymore. I just need to remember I CAN do this and I WILL succeed!

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.