Health worries

It's been a few days since I've blogged. There's been a lot going on. My Dr put me on new meds and I've been trying to get into school while fighting the depression and pain. I had a bout of insomnia now I'm back to just wanting to sleep 24/7 which I've been trying to fight but losing. Can't keep my eyes open. Well there's one thing that has been worrying me though. I haven't been able to afford to eat healthy and haven't been act much at all yet I'm still losing weight which is not normal for me. Normally I'd be ecstatic but it kind of worries me. I need to look a few things up and see if my Dr will run some tests on me. There's no way possible I should still be losing. I expected to gain quite a bit at that appointment. Some things not right and I can feel it. Hopefully its nothing serious. I will be completely done with school soon. Only have like 15 hours left to put in and I'll be done. I'm exited. I finally accomplished something! But I really do need to get my health in order. Its really scaring me. I'm on day 15 of not smoking and proud! Just hope its not to little to late. I'm staying positive and believing everything happens for a reason and my job here is not done :) I just am praying I start feeling better soon

Fighting for my life ...

Everyday is a struggle for me. Lately I've been losing more battles. So much going on in my life and at home I feel like running away. I need to figure out how to change that. Need to try harder to focus on the good. The tension and stress rises everyday to my breaking point. I keep thinking what did I do in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person? Is it me? I know I'm controlling and I know I need to stop but I've been like that my whole life. I'm a systems person. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and I can't stand things being done wrong because it wastes time. I think I need to learn to keep my anger and frustration in check and learn to let go. I've lost motivation to do just about everything. And with no running vehicle and knowing very few people here being stuck in this horrible depressing apartment makes me depressed. What makes me more depressed is everyday I realize I'm not normal and can't just get up and clean, fix and organize everything. I have to take it one step at a time which is slow going and even more frustrating. I keep trying to figure out how to fix things but my husband is not on board. He would rather sleep or play games and drown out the world. I don't know at this point if he's willing to change and that hurts. In his eyes I do nothing not understanding just going to school is HUGE for me and the pain is excruciating ... but I fight the depression, anxiety and pain and do it. Well this past week I got to the point I feel like why try anymore. And didn't go. Even though I'm done with everything and only 26 hours away from my license. I'm going to finish this week but its going to be so hard. I have to find rides and when I'm having a hard time I can go to my van hide and cry til I feel better ....

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm having a hard time and I'm seconds from disappearing and saying screw it all. I need to figure out what makes me happy. If its even worth it .... having physical difficulties sucks! I'm not normal I can't do everyday things others can. And it frustrates me :( I'm suffering everyday and no one seems to care. I'm tired of always giving and getting nothing in return. Its time to make changes but I'm scared. But the road I'm going down isn't good. I need to find a new road to take. But to afraid to make the turn. I need to make friends that don't use me for everything I have and stick by my side when I have nothing that benefits them :/ ok rant over ....

Just had to get it out

Insomnia Much?

Well, I laid down for about an hour watching a movie trying to fall asleep but that didn't work :/ It's like 80 degrees in this house. The AC I think was ran to much and froze over so we have to leave it off to melt and I am dying! Every hour or so I have been turning it on to see if it is blowing cold air yet. I hate the heat and I am still not used to it. I wish that the AC would always work lol whats sad is, it is actually colder outside than it is in my house! :( I wish I had an enclosed porch I would sleep outside lol I hate having sleep issues. I get insomnia often when I'm not so depressed I just wanna sleep the rest of my life away. Its like from one extreme to the other.

I'm sitting here debating on doing some more work waking up lil man and taking a drive since it is not as hot outside as it is in here. The fan isn't working either. My depression keeps getting to me. I keep getting to the point of just wanting to sleep non stop. And I have been cutting off friends not talking to anyone. I have tons of unread messages that I don't want to read because I am not at a point of wanting to talk to anyone. Why do we feel this way? What triggers these emotions that we have that can control us so much? I hope I can figure out what is triggering mine so I can get it to stop. For awhile there I was having amazing days where I felt like I was on top of the world! Feeling better than I had in a LONG time! I was eating completely healthy, exercising daily, taking my meds, had my blood sugar under control and life felt good. No matter what bad things kept happening I was able to get past it and move on and have a great day.

Why haven't I been exercising? Hmm ... I think about that everyday. I rock in my rocking chair but I don't think that that is good enough, I am down on myself for not doing anything else yet I am back to being in so much pain it even hurts to lay down. Which is what would normally take away my pain. I fear that I will fail, that I won't make it on my short walk, that someone will see me and think horrible things about me. I am fighting all those fears and emotions I use to have that I had taken control of and stopped letting them control me. I am scared. Why am I scared? Why am I letting these feeling run my life. This is something I need to sit down and really think about.

A huge issues I need to work on is worrying about what others think of me. Being scared to have let someone down or didn't make them proud. These are things I can't control.No matter how hard I try I have figured that the people that aren't proud of me and always talk down to and about me are just miserable with their own life and there is no way to please them. So why doesn't that click in my mind? How come I can't tell myself not to worry about what they think. I sit here sometimes and write letters in my head to the people's whos's opinions mean the most to me. And I always just get upset and start ranting about what I have been doing to make them happy, how hard I have tried how what they "think" of me isn't actually what it really going on. Ugh ... I let some people have so much power over me. Well .... NO MORE! From this day on my goal will be to not care what anyone thinks about me. This will be the thing that I will focus and work on each day for now. It is the thing that effects me the most. I need to let go. I need to get over this.

Wearing myself out

Man these past couple months have taken a toll on me mentally and physically! I can't wait to get on a solid routine that works for us. I've been up all night working on stuff and brainstorming new ideas for some things. I have been coming up with some great super healthy, fast, cheap, and easy recipes as well. I am working on starting a DIY healthy FB page and have been so excited to do it, just haven't had the time yet. The main reason I want to start this page is so I can keep all my ideas, recipes, and awesome DIY things I find in one place, organized so they are easy for me to find. Not to mention I don't have to worry about losing it on my computer or call phone if it crashes lol And I can share my ideas with anyone interested! I have so many things that go through my mind 24/7 that I want to do but can't due to lack of time. There's something in my life that I put all my heart into that I am very passionate about that I am going to need to slow down on in order to have time for my family and myself. One day I'll figure out a happy medium. Here it is 5:30 in the morning and my child is wide awake and I still have about 20-25 hours of work left to do on what I have been working on. I'm anxious to see at the weigh in this month if the numbers went up or down. There's been so much going on that I have been overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. But my eating has been so much better and I have been a lil more active. Still not active enough but I'm slowly working my way back up there. I was so busy tonight I forgot about walking again. This coming week I'm going to the dollar store and getting more poster board to hang up an help me remember. It will also help me keep track of how much I did on what day and see my improvements to help keep me motivated. I'll be back on after I finish up what I'm doing and get some sleep. There's so much more I want to blog about! :)

Shopping List

I own all the Biggest Loser books. So lately I have been reading them to figure out what would be the quickest meals and snacks yet the healthiest. I don't mind cutting and prepping fruits and veggies I actually LOVE it! It's very relaxing for me! But I have an issue with cooking as I can't stand long enough to cook a meal without having to sit down many times which in turn causes more pain. Plus raw in my opinion is better. This is going to be hard for my husband as he is reluctant to give up his junk food and soda but our toddler should do great! Our toddler is the PICKIEST eater I swear! Lol Buttttt LOVES fresh fruit and raw veggies! And chicken! So it's a win win for me :) I am struggling daily with this anxiety and depression, and man this is a hard battle! I was suppose to take twice the dose of anti depressants I am on but due to my Dr not prescribing the right amount of them to last 90 days taking 1 for a week then going to 2, I have had to stay at only one so I don't run out. And it is not helping as much as it should. The hardest thing is I fight with myself in my head about even getting out of bed its that bad currently. But I will NOT let it win! I will fight it everyday! I'm so blessed that I have people supporting me on this journey! I get soooo excited to wake up and see comments from people, and feel like people that don't even know me care about me! It is a true blessing!

OHHHH! The weigh in is Saturday!!! The kickoff for the weight loss challenge! Wish me luck! Its going to be a 6 month challenge!

Determination

I hate bad news! Been fighting this depression and I'm still not to a point where I feel like I can stay up without feeling down. Not sure why I'm not able to kick this feeling but I am trying to. I'm excited for the 26th when the challenge starts, but I've been slowly talking myself out of doing it. I need to figure out how to keep myself motivated and positive and not let this depression keep me down. I have so many ideas, plans, ect in my head but with where I am at right now I am not in the mindset to follow through. I wish I had more support from my husband, but I guess I need to work with what I have. Where do you find your motivation? What helps keep you going? I need to sit down and start making small goals I keep saying it and haven't done it yet. It's hard to sit here all day fighting with yourself to stay awake and not just sleep your life away. Especially when you are in a ton of pain constantly.

I've been sitting here all day thinking about the past jobs I used to do and miss being able to work. Being able bodied. Just feeling alive. I can't wait til I'm back at a point like that. I truly miss working and I'm the type of person that likes to take care of their family, and its hard not being able to right now. I used to be addicted to working and have had a job since I was a kid. At some points I worked 3 jobs at once. Man I miss working! I find myself looking for jobs on Craigslist for myself getting all excited then remembering I'm not able to work ant breaks my heart. Hopefully by sometime next year I will have enough weight off go get around like a normal person.

Still trying

I have so much on my mind. I need to find a way to clear my mind and have a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? What do you do to cope with it? I have millions of ideas flowing through my head, tons of DIY ideas to save on money, tons of senseless worries and fears ect. I need to learn hope to cope with these things and not let them eat at me. My Nicorette came in the mail, my quit day is set for the 15th (3 days from now), but man, I don't know how well that is going to go. I am going to try but I think I might need to give myself a few more day to fully get out of this depression to ensure that I give it my all. I used to have so much to do when I would get online and now I get online and my mind goes blank. There is so many things I can do, yet cant even think of one when I get on. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this hole. This deep dark depression hole my mind has wandered into. At times I wish my husband paid attention to more than his phone and games or at least pretended he was listening when I try to talk to him. I think if I stick to blogging I can get through this, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that cared. Well until the next post! Bye!!

Fighting the Depression Demon

So as you see I have been off for awhile. I have been battling with some severe depression that I let get the best of me. It was completely my fault though. With all the sleep schedule changes that have been going on I have forgot to take my meds for like the past week. Including my diabetic meds. NOT good and I totally feel it. I am back to the point I just want to sit in my room all day and sleep and that is what I was so proud that I was able to get past. I should acknowledge the small accomplishments that I have made and keep pushing forward no matter how I feel, but I let the depression win. I am here to take responsibility for wat I have done and from here on out promise myself I WILL try harder and KEEP pushing through! I have made a Facebook page so I can post on there as well ad find some support groups. If anyone is interested in that the link is

http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

I am looking for any support and encouragement! On a good note I went into Walgreen's the other day and actually walked through the WHOLE store!!! This is such a HUGE step for me! I was hurting soooo bad but I pushed through! I wasn't able to stay for check out, my hubby had to stay and do that for me but I was able to get through the store! So as I end this entry I want to share some awesome pictures that I found but this is not cooperating! lol So I will figure it out on post them in another post :)

Mixed feelings

You would think after losing almost 50lbs you would feel great! But not me :/ I just feel worthless. I keep trying to make these feelings go away but I'm having a difficult time. It's 4am where my mom lives and i decided to call her while I was outside smoking trying to keep myself from having a mental break down. All I want when I talk to my mom is to here her says she's proud of me. Tonight she did and was telling me how great I'm doing and to fight the feelings I'm having. For some reason I'm still feeling down. And usually knowing she's proud of me would make my day. I sit in denial thinking, "oh I can stand to cook and clean, I can do this and that but I'm just lazy" to make myself feel better and trick myself into thinking that I'm not immobile. But yesterday when it came down to a serious situation, that didn't even require a lot of physical movement, I was unable to even do that little bit. So all this trying to fool myself into thinking I'm just lazy was totally shot down, and made me realize what little I'm really able to do even pushing myself as far as possible. I kept telling myself that all I need to do is lose 50lbs and once I do that I'll be a ton more mobile and without so much pain. Realistically I think now its going to take 100-150lbs loss before I really start getting some mobility back. I really wish it didn't feel like I was fighting a loosing battle.

On a good note, I've been really wanting to quit smoking but didn't have the money to afford the gum or anything else that would help aid me in quitting. I talked to my husband and he is wanting to quit to. So I got on the internet and started looking and found a quit smoking site that I was able to sign us both up on. What's great about this site is they pay for ALL the nicorette you need to quit smoking! For free! I ordered him the lozenges and myself the gum and they will ship the first 2 boxes of each off by next week. I'm excited to actually be able to give my all and quit this time and have the help of a nicotine aid! I can't wait for them to arrive! Our quit day is set to January 16th! This is going to be hard, I've been smoking for 15 years but I know if I try hard, I'll be able to kick the habit! I'll be posting able that journey and things I'll be doing to help fight the cravings on here as well. Well, I just felt like jumping on and blogging about the feelings I've been having since it seems to be helping me get through it.