FitBit?! :)

Have you all heard of it? I have always wanted a body bug like they have on the biggest loser but I found something I want more! I have been researching the FitBit and think I may need to save up and get me one! :) I think it would be great motivation for me!! Plus the FitBit One that I want tracks sleep patterns which will allow me to learn how to sleep better! If you have used one I wanna know what you think! I'm excited!! I think I might be able to save and get one in a few months!! :)

Current Official Weight!!

It's been a little while since I have posted. The stomach bug hit the house and all was bad! Thank god we are all feeling better now. Then yesterday I stepped out onto my back porch and slipped on invisible ice and busted my foot and knee up pretty bad. Yesterday was also the official weight in for the weight loss challenge. I swear everything in this universe was trying to keep me from joining! I finally decided I was going to go even though I was in pain over the fall. Let me tell you I shed SOOOO many tears today! I almost gave up more times then I could count! To start it off, I parked where the signs said the challenge was, and decided to try and face my anxiety alone. That was hard! Everything was icy everywhere and the only shoes I have are bedroom slippers. Strike 2. Well I get up to the table to register and I'm told that's where the weigh in is and I have to follow the cones around the hospital to register first. Strike 3. Just walking around the hospital was more walking than I was able to do but I pushed myself. I got to the outside of the doors and had to sit down on the bench because I was in so much pain. Had problems catching my breath, heart was racing, I was hurting but I was able to hold it together and hold in the tears. Once I rested for a few minute's I got up and proceeded to go inside. Strike 4. I thought the registration would be right inside. But nope. I had to follow the orange shirts down this hall and that hall, up this steep walk way and that. Not to mention it felt like it was 300 degrees in there. I kept fighting with my mind that kept telling me to turn around and forget it, its not worth it. But I made it there! Once I got there, there was chairs at the top of the stair case going down to registration and I had to sit, well collapse and catch my breath. I was in much more pain then the walk to the front of the hospital and much harder to breathe. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. I sat and broke down and cried. I don't think I have felt that kind of pain ever. But... I'm soooo proud of myself I got that far! My friend came back to save me because I left my ID in my vehicle and started having a panic attack. Then needed a ride to get my picture taken and get weighed in. I'm so grateful she came back to help me!

So!!!! My Official Weigh In for January 26th is... *drum roll*

462.4lbs! That's means in total I have lost 53.1lbs!!!!!

And starting today I will be kicking it up a notch! :)

Smoking update!

I am not going to lie I have not quit all the way. Found out some bad news about the house we are renting, and we will be having to move soon so I have been stressing bad. I tried the Nicorette and we received the 4mg gum and lozenges but they sting and burn SOOOOO bad! I don't know if I will have to get used to them or order the 2mg kind but man they hurt! I bought 2 disposable e-cigs awhile back and pulled them out to puff on when I am craving a cigarette but a puff or 2 is all I need. Today I only smoked 2 cigarettes! And I usually smoke a 1/2 of a pack to a pack and a 1/2 a day so I feel great about that! I'm hoping to have kicked it by the beginning of next month and be strictly e-cig or Nicorette! The e-cig really helps. I don't know if I am addicted to the nicotine or just the act of smoking yet but the e-cig is just like a cigarette but without the harmful stuff and second hand smoke but does have nicotine. The "smoke" is just water vapors which allows me to smoke in the house. Which is nice considering its 15 degrees or less during the day and in the negatives at night lol Did you quit smoking? If so how did you do it? I'm also going to try using sugar free gun.

Shopping List

I own all the Biggest Loser books. So lately I have been reading them to figure out what would be the quickest meals and snacks yet the healthiest. I don't mind cutting and prepping fruits and veggies I actually LOVE it! It's very relaxing for me! But I have an issue with cooking as I can't stand long enough to cook a meal without having to sit down many times which in turn causes more pain. Plus raw in my opinion is better. This is going to be hard for my husband as he is reluctant to give up his junk food and soda but our toddler should do great! Our toddler is the PICKIEST eater I swear! Lol Buttttt LOVES fresh fruit and raw veggies! And chicken! So it's a win win for me :) I am struggling daily with this anxiety and depression, and man this is a hard battle! I was suppose to take twice the dose of anti depressants I am on but due to my Dr not prescribing the right amount of them to last 90 days taking 1 for a week then going to 2, I have had to stay at only one so I don't run out. And it is not helping as much as it should. The hardest thing is I fight with myself in my head about even getting out of bed its that bad currently. But I will NOT let it win! I will fight it everyday! I'm so blessed that I have people supporting me on this journey! I get soooo excited to wake up and see comments from people, and feel like people that don't even know me care about me! It is a true blessing!

OHHHH! The weigh in is Saturday!!! The kickoff for the weight loss challenge! Wish me luck! Its going to be a 6 month challenge!

Determination

I hate bad news! Been fighting this depression and I'm still not to a point where I feel like I can stay up without feeling down. Not sure why I'm not able to kick this feeling but I am trying to. I'm excited for the 26th when the challenge starts, but I've been slowly talking myself out of doing it. I need to figure out how to keep myself motivated and positive and not let this depression keep me down. I have so many ideas, plans, ect in my head but with where I am at right now I am not in the mindset to follow through. I wish I had more support from my husband, but I guess I need to work with what I have. Where do you find your motivation? What helps keep you going? I need to sit down and start making small goals I keep saying it and haven't done it yet. It's hard to sit here all day fighting with yourself to stay awake and not just sleep your life away. Especially when you are in a ton of pain constantly.

I've been sitting here all day thinking about the past jobs I used to do and miss being able to work. Being able bodied. Just feeling alive. I can't wait til I'm back at a point like that. I truly miss working and I'm the type of person that likes to take care of their family, and its hard not being able to right now. I used to be addicted to working and have had a job since I was a kid. At some points I worked 3 jobs at once. Man I miss working! I find myself looking for jobs on Craigslist for myself getting all excited then remembering I'm not able to work ant breaks my heart. Hopefully by sometime next year I will have enough weight off go get around like a normal person.

Still trying

I have so much on my mind. I need to find a way to clear my mind and have a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? What do you do to cope with it? I have millions of ideas flowing through my head, tons of DIY ideas to save on money, tons of senseless worries and fears ect. I need to learn hope to cope with these things and not let them eat at me. My Nicorette came in the mail, my quit day is set for the 15th (3 days from now), but man, I don't know how well that is going to go. I am going to try but I think I might need to give myself a few more day to fully get out of this depression to ensure that I give it my all. I used to have so much to do when I would get online and now I get online and my mind goes blank. There is so many things I can do, yet cant even think of one when I get on. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this hole. This deep dark depression hole my mind has wandered into. At times I wish my husband paid attention to more than his phone and games or at least pretended he was listening when I try to talk to him. I think if I stick to blogging I can get through this, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that cared. Well until the next post! Bye!!

Encouragement and Tips!

These are photos I came across on FB and the internet that I thought were great info and encouragement  I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do and keep all these tips in mind as I find them very helpful! :)

Fighting the Depression Demon

So as you see I have been off for awhile. I have been battling with some severe depression that I let get the best of me. It was completely my fault though. With all the sleep schedule changes that have been going on I have forgot to take my meds for like the past week. Including my diabetic meds. NOT good and I totally feel it. I am back to the point I just want to sit in my room all day and sleep and that is what I was so proud that I was able to get past. I should acknowledge the small accomplishments that I have made and keep pushing forward no matter how I feel, but I let the depression win. I am here to take responsibility for wat I have done and from here on out promise myself I WILL try harder and KEEP pushing through! I have made a Facebook page so I can post on there as well ad find some support groups. If anyone is interested in that the link is

http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

I am looking for any support and encouragement! On a good note I went into Walgreen's the other day and actually walked through the WHOLE store!!! This is such a HUGE step for me! I was hurting soooo bad but I pushed through! I wasn't able to stay for check out, my hubby had to stay and do that for me but I was able to get through the store! So as I end this entry I want to share some awesome pictures that I found but this is not cooperating! lol So I will figure it out on post them in another post :)