Insomnia Much?

Well, I laid down for about an hour watching a movie trying to fall asleep but that didn't work :/ It's like 80 degrees in this house. The AC I think was ran to much and froze over so we have to leave it off to melt and I am dying! Every hour or so I have been turning it on to see if it is blowing cold air yet. I hate the heat and I am still not used to it. I wish that the AC would always work lol whats sad is, it is actually colder outside than it is in my house! :( I wish I had an enclosed porch I would sleep outside lol I hate having sleep issues. I get insomnia often when I'm not so depressed I just wanna sleep the rest of my life away. Its like from one extreme to the other.

I'm sitting here debating on doing some more work waking up lil man and taking a drive since it is not as hot outside as it is in here. The fan isn't working either. My depression keeps getting to me. I keep getting to the point of just wanting to sleep non stop. And I have been cutting off friends not talking to anyone. I have tons of unread messages that I don't want to read because I am not at a point of wanting to talk to anyone. Why do we feel this way? What triggers these emotions that we have that can control us so much? I hope I can figure out what is triggering mine so I can get it to stop. For awhile there I was having amazing days where I felt like I was on top of the world! Feeling better than I had in a LONG time! I was eating completely healthy, exercising daily, taking my meds, had my blood sugar under control and life felt good. No matter what bad things kept happening I was able to get past it and move on and have a great day.

Why haven't I been exercising? Hmm ... I think about that everyday. I rock in my rocking chair but I don't think that that is good enough, I am down on myself for not doing anything else yet I am back to being in so much pain it even hurts to lay down. Which is what would normally take away my pain. I fear that I will fail, that I won't make it on my short walk, that someone will see me and think horrible things about me. I am fighting all those fears and emotions I use to have that I had taken control of and stopped letting them control me. I am scared. Why am I scared? Why am I letting these feeling run my life. This is something I need to sit down and really think about.

A huge issues I need to work on is worrying about what others think of me. Being scared to have let someone down or didn't make them proud. These are things I can't control.No matter how hard I try I have figured that the people that aren't proud of me and always talk down to and about me are just miserable with their own life and there is no way to please them. So why doesn't that click in my mind? How come I can't tell myself not to worry about what they think. I sit here sometimes and write letters in my head to the people's whos's opinions mean the most to me. And I always just get upset and start ranting about what I have been doing to make them happy, how hard I have tried how what they "think" of me isn't actually what it really going on. Ugh ... I let some people have so much power over me. Well .... NO MORE! From this day on my goal will be to not care what anyone thinks about me. This will be the thing that I will focus and work on each day for now. It is the thing that effects me the most. I need to let go. I need to get over this.

Wearing myself out

Man these past couple months have taken a toll on me mentally and physically! I can't wait to get on a solid routine that works for us. I've been up all night working on stuff and brainstorming new ideas for some things. I have been coming up with some great super healthy, fast, cheap, and easy recipes as well. I am working on starting a DIY healthy FB page and have been so excited to do it, just haven't had the time yet. The main reason I want to start this page is so I can keep all my ideas, recipes, and awesome DIY things I find in one place, organized so they are easy for me to find. Not to mention I don't have to worry about losing it on my computer or call phone if it crashes lol And I can share my ideas with anyone interested! I have so many things that go through my mind 24/7 that I want to do but can't due to lack of time. There's something in my life that I put all my heart into that I am very passionate about that I am going to need to slow down on in order to have time for my family and myself. One day I'll figure out a happy medium. Here it is 5:30 in the morning and my child is wide awake and I still have about 20-25 hours of work left to do on what I have been working on. I'm anxious to see at the weigh in this month if the numbers went up or down. There's been so much going on that I have been overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. But my eating has been so much better and I have been a lil more active. Still not active enough but I'm slowly working my way back up there. I was so busy tonight I forgot about walking again. This coming week I'm going to the dollar store and getting more poster board to hang up an help me remember. It will also help me keep track of how much I did on what day and see my improvements to help keep me motivated. I'll be back on after I finish up what I'm doing and get some sleep. There's so much more I want to blog about! :)

Trying to get back on track

So I haven't went to sleep yet. I have been working all night on some stuff and have a ton more to do. My sleep schedule is so crazy. Hopefully soon I will get it back to normal. So yesterday I ate healthy but during the night I completely forgot to go walking. My son was acting out and having a rough night so it was stressful. But I am sitting here rocking and blogging! :) slowly getting back on track. I have a Dr appt soon that I am looking forward to. I have put off my health again and now I'm paying for it. Hopefully they can figure out what is going on with me.

On to another subject the depression that I had got a pretty good handle on has came back full force!! Its a horrible daily fight again just to drag myself out of bed when I wake up. Sometimes I don't get outta bed til I have been in bed for 12-18 hours. My antidepressants were doubled and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have obligations now so I can't not win these battles or I end up completely overwhelmed and to the point I will shut down completely. I need to get to the root of my problems and find out what is triggering these horrible emotions. I never fully understood true depression til I had it so bad I couldn't function and I would sit there balling my eyes out talking to my husband and mother asking why I was feeling that way and why I couldn't pull myself out of it. Now I truly understand real depression and how it can effect people so strongly. Its like I go to war with my mind on a daily basis. I can be feeling good and start crying for no reason. I just get this overwhelming sad, upset, scared, hurt feeling that takes over all my thoughts. I can not wait til I can get this under control and be back to my normal happy loving cheerful self again!

Daily struggles can be so hard to overcome.. but you know what? I know I can overcome it! And I know soon I will! I'm trying to get my family on a routine that works for us so that should help. I'm a systems person so the more organized I am the better I will do. Well, I think its time to see if I can catch some Zzz's before my son wakes up lol I'm sure I'll post again later this evening when I wake up :)

I always wanted to say something before I hop off. THANK YOU to those of you out there that read my ramblings and support me! I love you all so much! That's a huge reason I started blogging again to! The support and positive comments help me out more than I could ever express! So thank you for not being mean and judgemental and thank you for your support! <3

Insomnia then Over Sleeping?

I know it sounds weird but my sleep schedule is completely messed up! I laid down at 2am to go to sleep I couldn't keep my eyes open, couldn't, so I got up rocked in my chair blogged and read a book. Still can't sleep but everyone else was already asleep so around 6am I laid back down. I laid there for 51/2 hours before I was finally able to go to sleep. Needless to say I didn't wake up til 7:30pm. I need to get everything caught up and get back on track with a normal sleep schedule. Its like my insomnia is fighting my depression that wants me to sleep all day and one day one wins the next day the other wins? Lol Well, I have sooooo much to do tonight, I'm pretty much completely overwhelmed so hopefully I can knock it all out to get caught up and take a day or two off.

Got off track and took some time off

I have been away for awhile. There has been a lot going on and a lot of stress. First off when ended up having to move April 5th. Our landlord failed to pay his mortgage for quite sometime even though he told us not to worry about it because he took care of it and the house went into foreclosure and was auctioned. We were given 2 weeks to move once it auctioned. That was extremely stressful! I had a friend visit for a month and as much as I love her that was stressful as well. I fell off the wagon for over 2 months. The first month I didn't lose any weight but didn't gain. And when I went to weigh in last month I had my friend come in with me because my pain has got worse again, I wasn't eating healthy and knew I had probably went back over the 500lb mark. To my surprise, not only did I not gain weight but I lost 13lbs! I was in complete shock!! I will take it though! I think I lost weight due to stress. But its not something my body normally does? I usually gain weight when I stress! I am getting soooo close to that 100lb mark!

On a great note the new place we moved to has some downsides but the upsides make up for it! We have a gym here, which I can't wait until I am cleared by my Dr to do. I'm not sure if I blogged about it but I posted about it on my FB page. I tried out big girl zumba which is a much lower impact zumba. Well I was wearing my heart rate monitor and after less than 5min my heart rate was about 170 and I felt like I was going to pass out. I emailed my Dr in California that I've seen since I was a kid and she asked me if I was trying to give myself a heart attack. She said absolutely no aerobics that are out of the water until I get more weight off. I even have to be cautious with walking due to how high my HR goes. But we have a pool here!!! A real pool!! And it opens on the 31st! And it has decent hours! 8:30am-10pm. I can't wait til it opens! Plus its only like 20ft from my porch lol. I am setting up a monthly chart in my living room I'm hanging on the wall. I'm going to start charting the exercise I do daily and any issues I'm having. I have started rocking chair aerobics and it seems to be working good. I'm having some serious female issues right now so no swimming for me. We have a basketball court about 100ft from my porch with a couple park benches. So late at night I am going to start walking to and from the bench so I can rest when I need and see how many times I can do that each night. Along with an hour of rocking chair aerobics. I started a my fitness pal because I like how the phone app is set up but I REALLY miss calorie count. So I think I might switch back. The support on there is amazing. Even though the android app is horrible
I have been having more health issues so I finally figured out my insurance and have an appt with my new Dr in a couple weeks. My blood sugars have been sky high for no reason. My pain has increased so much its almost unbearable and a few others things have been getting worse. I'm hoping I get some answers soon though.

I wish I would have made more time for my blogging and not got away from us. It helps me a lot. I don't think I'm going to stop anymore regardless what comes up. Also what's awesome about rocking chair aerobics is during the rocking part of it I can sit here and blog. And anytime I want to blog I can rock and keep my blood and fluids pumping :)

I took a few steps back in my mobility. I can still go in a small store (YAY) but the pain and anxiety is back even if I'm only in there for a couple minutes. I think walking at night to and from the basketball court will help a lot though!

Also the depression is back in full force!! :( I haven't had a good day in months! I try and fight it as hard as I can and sometimes I'm able to and I try to make the best of my day and sometimes I lose horribly and end up sleeping for 12-18 hours and then only getting up cause I finally push myself hard enough to get out of bed. With the summer coming and the sun being out more I'm hoping that helps some with my depression. Vitamin D is good for that! Well ... I think I made quite the post so I will stop while I'm ahead so I don't bore anyone reading this more than I already have lol Look for a lot more updates as I will be back to blogging at least once a day but most likely more!