Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3

Wearing myself out

Man these past couple months have taken a toll on me mentally and physically! I can't wait to get on a solid routine that works for us. I've been up all night working on stuff and brainstorming new ideas for some things. I have been coming up with some great super healthy, fast, cheap, and easy recipes as well. I am working on starting a DIY healthy FB page and have been so excited to do it, just haven't had the time yet. The main reason I want to start this page is so I can keep all my ideas, recipes, and awesome DIY things I find in one place, organized so they are easy for me to find. Not to mention I don't have to worry about losing it on my computer or call phone if it crashes lol And I can share my ideas with anyone interested! I have so many things that go through my mind 24/7 that I want to do but can't due to lack of time. There's something in my life that I put all my heart into that I am very passionate about that I am going to need to slow down on in order to have time for my family and myself. One day I'll figure out a happy medium. Here it is 5:30 in the morning and my child is wide awake and I still have about 20-25 hours of work left to do on what I have been working on. I'm anxious to see at the weigh in this month if the numbers went up or down. There's been so much going on that I have been overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. But my eating has been so much better and I have been a lil more active. Still not active enough but I'm slowly working my way back up there. I was so busy tonight I forgot about walking again. This coming week I'm going to the dollar store and getting more poster board to hang up an help me remember. It will also help me keep track of how much I did on what day and see my improvements to help keep me motivated. I'll be back on after I finish up what I'm doing and get some sleep. There's so much more I want to blog about! :)

Trying to get back on track

So I haven't went to sleep yet. I have been working all night on some stuff and have a ton more to do. My sleep schedule is so crazy. Hopefully soon I will get it back to normal. So yesterday I ate healthy but during the night I completely forgot to go walking. My son was acting out and having a rough night so it was stressful. But I am sitting here rocking and blogging! :) slowly getting back on track. I have a Dr appt soon that I am looking forward to. I have put off my health again and now I'm paying for it. Hopefully they can figure out what is going on with me.

On to another subject the depression that I had got a pretty good handle on has came back full force!! Its a horrible daily fight again just to drag myself out of bed when I wake up. Sometimes I don't get outta bed til I have been in bed for 12-18 hours. My antidepressants were doubled and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have obligations now so I can't not win these battles or I end up completely overwhelmed and to the point I will shut down completely. I need to get to the root of my problems and find out what is triggering these horrible emotions. I never fully understood true depression til I had it so bad I couldn't function and I would sit there balling my eyes out talking to my husband and mother asking why I was feeling that way and why I couldn't pull myself out of it. Now I truly understand real depression and how it can effect people so strongly. Its like I go to war with my mind on a daily basis. I can be feeling good and start crying for no reason. I just get this overwhelming sad, upset, scared, hurt feeling that takes over all my thoughts. I can not wait til I can get this under control and be back to my normal happy loving cheerful self again!

Daily struggles can be so hard to overcome.. but you know what? I know I can overcome it! And I know soon I will! I'm trying to get my family on a routine that works for us so that should help. I'm a systems person so the more organized I am the better I will do. Well, I think its time to see if I can catch some Zzz's before my son wakes up lol I'm sure I'll post again later this evening when I wake up :)

I always wanted to say something before I hop off. THANK YOU to those of you out there that read my ramblings and support me! I love you all so much! That's a huge reason I started blogging again to! The support and positive comments help me out more than I could ever express! So thank you for not being mean and judgemental and thank you for your support! <3

Progress

I have been slacking with my blogging. I need to make sure I blog everyday at least once. I have been setting goals and daily goals for myself so I will be adding on blogging as a daily goal! I have a bunch of things I would like to blog about and update everyone on :) It is early in the morning and we are up eating breakfast (make sure you eat breakfast! ;) ) and getting ready to head to the YMCA!!! Yesterday I decided I was going to have an amazing day because I was going to make it amazing and let's just say I rocked it! I will do a post on yesterday when I get back from swimming. I have a large NSV (non-scale victory) yesterday and I am SO proud of myself! I want to show everyone my progress so far. I took a picture when I was 30lbs down and one the other night at 60lbs down. Man I wish I would have taken a pic at the VERY start of my journey but it is ok :) So here is a picture, this was the BIGGEST step for me to post it on my FB page as it is a public page on a social media site. I did this to myself though and I needed to take responsibility for what I did. I will be back on to finish blogging after I get in some swimming and an water aerobics class, I will also be posting my new goals that I am aiming for! :)

Update...More to follow tonight

I was letting depression get the best of me again when I stopped the other day and started thinking. I need to get my head out of my ass. I know how hard the depression and anxiety is to deal with but WHY am I still letting it control my life? I was doing great and then slowly but surely fell back into the pit of depression. I didnt know what was causing it or why I was back to being that depressed so I had to get to the root of it and figure it out. After having a day long pity party with myself I decided it was simple. I needed to get my head out of my ass and no one could do that for me. I needed to stop making excuses for myself and start trying and pushing my limits. I will not lie depression is HORRIBLE, one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to fight. And for a long time it consumed me soooooo much I was to the point of questioning why I was even living.
One a great note we have been going to the YMCA to do swimming and I got a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor and some bathing suits!! Swimming is so amazing  I feel so alive in the water! And I have been getting my anxiety under control slowly but surely which is HUGE for me! I did something the other day i was SOOOO proud of! I walked through a Walgreen's for 30mins through the WHOLE store and then did it again later in the day!!!!!! I couldn't even get through the front door of the store before I would be in so much pain I would have to stop and sit back in my car not that long ago and now I can walk through the whole store!!! I will be posting a few more posts tonight. I got behind on my posts because I was letting the depression get the best of me. If you are out there and you feel hopeless or ike you cant do it, know you CAN! <3 Prove yourself wrong ;) If you need someone to talk to message me on facebook!

Personal Account: http://www.facebook.com/encourage.lynn
Weight-loss Journey Page: http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

Current Official Weight!!

It's been a little while since I have posted. The stomach bug hit the house and all was bad! Thank god we are all feeling better now. Then yesterday I stepped out onto my back porch and slipped on invisible ice and busted my foot and knee up pretty bad. Yesterday was also the official weight in for the weight loss challenge. I swear everything in this universe was trying to keep me from joining! I finally decided I was going to go even though I was in pain over the fall. Let me tell you I shed SOOOO many tears today! I almost gave up more times then I could count! To start it off, I parked where the signs said the challenge was, and decided to try and face my anxiety alone. That was hard! Everything was icy everywhere and the only shoes I have are bedroom slippers. Strike 2. Well I get up to the table to register and I'm told that's where the weigh in is and I have to follow the cones around the hospital to register first. Strike 3. Just walking around the hospital was more walking than I was able to do but I pushed myself. I got to the outside of the doors and had to sit down on the bench because I was in so much pain. Had problems catching my breath, heart was racing, I was hurting but I was able to hold it together and hold in the tears. Once I rested for a few minute's I got up and proceeded to go inside. Strike 4. I thought the registration would be right inside. But nope. I had to follow the orange shirts down this hall and that hall, up this steep walk way and that. Not to mention it felt like it was 300 degrees in there. I kept fighting with my mind that kept telling me to turn around and forget it, its not worth it. But I made it there! Once I got there, there was chairs at the top of the stair case going down to registration and I had to sit, well collapse and catch my breath. I was in much more pain then the walk to the front of the hospital and much harder to breathe. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. I sat and broke down and cried. I don't think I have felt that kind of pain ever. But... I'm soooo proud of myself I got that far! My friend came back to save me because I left my ID in my vehicle and started having a panic attack. Then needed a ride to get my picture taken and get weighed in. I'm so grateful she came back to help me!

So!!!! My Official Weigh In for January 26th is... *drum roll*

462.4lbs! That's means in total I have lost 53.1lbs!!!!!

And starting today I will be kicking it up a notch! :)

Shopping List

I own all the Biggest Loser books. So lately I have been reading them to figure out what would be the quickest meals and snacks yet the healthiest. I don't mind cutting and prepping fruits and veggies I actually LOVE it! It's very relaxing for me! But I have an issue with cooking as I can't stand long enough to cook a meal without having to sit down many times which in turn causes more pain. Plus raw in my opinion is better. This is going to be hard for my husband as he is reluctant to give up his junk food and soda but our toddler should do great! Our toddler is the PICKIEST eater I swear! Lol Buttttt LOVES fresh fruit and raw veggies! And chicken! So it's a win win for me :) I am struggling daily with this anxiety and depression, and man this is a hard battle! I was suppose to take twice the dose of anti depressants I am on but due to my Dr not prescribing the right amount of them to last 90 days taking 1 for a week then going to 2, I have had to stay at only one so I don't run out. And it is not helping as much as it should. The hardest thing is I fight with myself in my head about even getting out of bed its that bad currently. But I will NOT let it win! I will fight it everyday! I'm so blessed that I have people supporting me on this journey! I get soooo excited to wake up and see comments from people, and feel like people that don't even know me care about me! It is a true blessing!

OHHHH! The weigh in is Saturday!!! The kickoff for the weight loss challenge! Wish me luck! Its going to be a 6 month challenge!

Encouragement and Tips!

These are photos I came across on FB and the internet that I thought were great info and encouragement  I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do and keep all these tips in mind as I find them very helpful! :)

Mixed feelings

You would think after losing almost 50lbs you would feel great! But not me :/ I just feel worthless. I keep trying to make these feelings go away but I'm having a difficult time. It's 4am where my mom lives and i decided to call her while I was outside smoking trying to keep myself from having a mental break down. All I want when I talk to my mom is to here her says she's proud of me. Tonight she did and was telling me how great I'm doing and to fight the feelings I'm having. For some reason I'm still feeling down. And usually knowing she's proud of me would make my day. I sit in denial thinking, "oh I can stand to cook and clean, I can do this and that but I'm just lazy" to make myself feel better and trick myself into thinking that I'm not immobile. But yesterday when it came down to a serious situation, that didn't even require a lot of physical movement, I was unable to even do that little bit. So all this trying to fool myself into thinking I'm just lazy was totally shot down, and made me realize what little I'm really able to do even pushing myself as far as possible. I kept telling myself that all I need to do is lose 50lbs and once I do that I'll be a ton more mobile and without so much pain. Realistically I think now its going to take 100-150lbs loss before I really start getting some mobility back. I really wish it didn't feel like I was fighting a loosing battle.

On a good note, I've been really wanting to quit smoking but didn't have the money to afford the gum or anything else that would help aid me in quitting. I talked to my husband and he is wanting to quit to. So I got on the internet and started looking and found a quit smoking site that I was able to sign us both up on. What's great about this site is they pay for ALL the nicorette you need to quit smoking! For free! I ordered him the lozenges and myself the gum and they will ship the first 2 boxes of each off by next week. I'm excited to actually be able to give my all and quit this time and have the help of a nicotine aid! I can't wait for them to arrive! Our quit day is set to January 16th! This is going to be hard, I've been smoking for 15 years but I know if I try hard, I'll be able to kick the habit! I'll be posting able that journey and things I'll be doing to help fight the cravings on here as well. Well, I just felt like jumping on and blogging about the feelings I've been having since it seems to be helping me get through it.

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.

Upcoming Christmas Dinner

The holidays are upon us! I was watching a show yesterday that said that the typical holiday meal ranges from 3,500-4,000 calories! That's quite a hefty amount of calories for one meal lol So this year for Christmas dinner I'm going to eat turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes but limit them. The turkey is healthy without skin but the potatoes and stuffing are really bad for someone with diabetes. I'll probably make myself some veggies to take place of the excess potatoes and stuffing that will be tempting me. I started researching the glycemic index to help me understand what foods are good and bad for diabetics and I have to say from what I have learned so far I'm pretty surprised at some food items that I thought were good for me that turned out to be worse for my blood sugar than ice cream. I've been battling my newly developed sweet tooth with the raisin cinnamon granola peanut butter. Omg its amazing! If I get a sweet tooth and cant fight the craving i eat one or two tablespoons with fresh celery. Its helped me get by so far. Also an apple or banana has helped some to if I'm just looking for something quick and sweet to snack on. I found this recipe that I made last month for healthy diabetic friendly cookies. Its no flour required, just oats, a tiny bit of peanut butter, one banana and a little splenda. They turned out amazing! I think I might make a batch for Christmas so I'm not tempted to eat any of the candy or sweets. I'm bummed that satsumas will be out of season soon as those are like candy to me as well and full of vitamin c.

Sleep Schedule

I need to flip our sleep schedule. It's so hard remembering meals and meds when you wake at 2-4pm and head to bed at 4-6am. By the time we wake up our roommates are having dinner and heading to bed so it sucks. It would be nice to spend time with them during the day instead of being awake while they are asleep. I'm working on getting my measurements, but my son has been fussy so I'm hoping we can get him to bed soon and take care of that so I can blog it all tonight. I stopped by the store tonight and picked up some vitamin B-6 that I'm going to start taking in hopes that it gives me a slight energy boost. I take my multi vitamins everyday but I think one B-6 might help. I'm anemic so I was wanting to get some iron but they didn't have any that was on my budget. I think that's a big reason I'm always tired as well. Today my eating was great pretty much all veggies and a little fruit besides a little turkey and ham on my salad and a hard boiled egg. Sad thing is its 2am and its about "dinner" time for us. I just wanna go to bed but know I probably wont fall asleep forever. I keep telling myself I'm just going to stay up all night and day then go to bed at a normal time, but by the time we get our son to sleep there's no hope of me getting back outta bed lol. Well, going to attempt to put our son down early, wish me luck!

All in for better or for worse!

For those of you that have been reading my blogs, I bet your wondering what I look like size wise? Well I'm having my hubby find me a measuring tape right now. Once we get home I need to measure myself all over, get a current weight from today and take some before pictures. To give you a slight idea of my size until I make the official post ... It took me a LONG time to find an at home scale to weigh me and cost me almost $60 and I had to order it online. I HATE the word Bariatric! But that's the kind of things I had to shop for. I'm not looking forward to seeing that hard truth but I need to do it. Especially if I want to be able to really see my progress. I wish I would have started and did all that in October when I started making changes since I've lost a chunk of weight since then, but at least I am doing it now! :)

Mmm Temptations

Today was kind of rough on me due to the fact I give into temptation easily thinking, I can cheat a little today and start fresh tomorrow which also turns into "well since I'm cheating today I shouldn't worry about anything I eat" and then I feel I can do the same the next day and so on. I'm a sucker for pizza and today my friends bought papa johns pizza (my weakness...  mmm the butter garlic sauce!) And I was sooooo tempted to eat some. I know everything is ok in moderation, but I knew that where I am at on my journey right now 1 slice would have quickly turned into half a pizza. So I decided to take my hubby to the store and have him get me a few fruits and veggies. Man that pizza is still sitting there calling my name. And every time my husband walks by me he's eating a piece of pizza, or bread sticks, or Christmas cookies, or has a big bowl of cookies and cream ice cream... Ughhhh!! Lol why do we crave the things we know we shouldn't or cant have? Like, before I was diagnosed with diabetes I could care less about sweets. Now that I know I shouldn't have them I crave them BAD! Almost as bad as pregnancy cravings! No fun lol On another note... I keep reading how drinking 8 glasses of water helps keep you full ect. It doesn't help me a bit. I'm constantly drinking water (20-30 cups a day) and lately I feel hungry 24/7. Well its 4:40am and I'm in extreme pain so I'm going to try to get some sleep! :) Night

High Expectations

I'm sitting here kinda bummed hoping people would magically find my blog, hopefully be interested, and leave comments of support and encouragement. I need to remember that I haven't told hardly anyone about my blog and I tend to ramble so I might not get many people that are even interested in reading my blog. I hope in the future someone that chooses to read this, might be interested in my journey and want to be here and support me :) I haven't did a post yet of my weight, how much I have lost yet, when I started my journey or anything else but I promise I will soon. Until I hit 100lbs lost I wont be posting about my blog on my social media sites as I'm VERY ashamed of how bad my weight became. Once I hit 100lbs lost I'll be continuing blogging a lot but I also will be starting a YouTube channel and doing a daily video where I can talk and express things better and feel more connected with my supporters and hopefully encourage other people that are sitting at home feeling completely hopeless and like giving up that it is possible to get your life back and live instead of feeling like your already dead and living on borrowed time, as I still do but know I'm going to prove myself wrong and be here to watch my child grow up! Which is the main reason I have started this journey. If anyone is indeed reading this please feel free to comment as I would love any tips, encouragement or support :) if you would like to see my food log ect feel free to find me on caloriecount.com my name on there is onamissionformyself :)

Just don't wanna get outta bed? Me either!

Ahhh sleep lol yes it took me forever to fall asleep but let me tell you I could sleep non stop if I was able! My sleep schedule flipped again so I'm asleep for the better part of the day and up at night. I had it fixed for a little over a week then one night staying up flipped it. Having my schedule flipped makes it much harder in my head to say "hey its time for breakfast ect.." so I get hungry because I forget to eat when I'm supposed to, take my meds and vitamins late because I forget. Just overall confuses my clock. You would think that since I'm normally a night person I would be used to it, but nope, I'm not. Plus I just received a literal book in the mail regarding my insurance that starts next month an its quite overwhelming. I need to see a Dr asap to get stronger meds for my newly discovered diabetes since I'm only on glucophage because I was waiting for the test results to confirm the diabetes. Since the results were much worse than I expected my old Dr emailed me and said I need to figure out how to see a Dr here before my insurance kicked in cause I shouldn't wait and said I'll be most likely needing insulin and at least on other pill to help control it. I wish I had a way to check my blood sugar, I'll hopefully have a way soon if I can afford the monitor and strips. Also I'm diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I refused meds for years up until recently because I was was able to control it for the most part. Unfortunately in the last year it has gotten so bad that it controls my life. And I finally gave in and asked for meds when I was able to see my Dr last month. The depression meds have helped quite a bit and I've been starting to slowly make progress. :) I have a long journey not only physically with the weight loss but also emotionally with my other equally as hard issues.

No sleep, hunger cravings...

Well its 6:39am and I can't sleep. Go figure lol I was laying in bed trying to fight those useless late night cravings and gave in. But its ok I was under on calories by quite a bit so I had the other half of my salad I had for lunch and ate 2 satsumas ... yummy! At least I didn't go for the bowl of canned chili and tortilla chips like I was craving lol I need to figure out a way to stop or detour my mind from late night cravings. Well, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep before my 2 year old wakes up. Night!

Managed to get in what I Needed

So after resting for a few from the pain and being able to get outta bed for a few hours I was able to meet 1,200 calories for the day. Its quite a bit less than my profile says I need to eat but I feel quite full and managed 15 glasses of water today. The water was on the low side, I usually drink 20-25 glasses a day. Its sooooo cold here and I have to keep my room like an ice box in order to sleep so maybe that's why my pain has been so much worse? Also I have had a non stop annoying headache all day which isn't usual? Well I'm off for the night, hoping to fall asleep within the next hour! :) Can't wait to blog tomorrow. This has really emotionally helped me along with the calorie counting. If anyone's reading, I hope you all have a great night and sweet dreams and PLEASE be careful going out tomorrow I case some people decide to do crazy things! <3

Hmm? Ever felt afraid to eat?

I'm sitting here and its 8:45pm and I've only managed to eat under 700 calories. I was diagnosed with severe uncontrolled type 2 diabetes recently and I need to do more research about it so I don't feel so bad eating. I'm trying really hard to eat healthy but at the same time I have to figure out how to eat healthy with uncontrolled diabetes that at the moment I'm not even able to monitor. I'm in so much pain still and so tried for no reason I'm debating on heading to bed for a nap. I wish I didn't feel so worn out all the time I have absolutely no energy anymore. Even when I'm eating enough or to much I have no energy. I think that it might be due to all the other health issues I'm having. I could sleep 24 hours a day if I was able to. Do you ever lay down to go to bed but cant fall asleep for hours because you are afraid if you fall asleep you wont wake up? That's how I am. I'm terrified of going into diabetic coma or having a massive heart attack I live everyday in fear of dying. I HATE living in fear and letting it run my life! One day at a time I will take control of this fear and not let it ruin my life. It's going to be a process but I will get there!

Fighting Temptation! Argh!

So i had things to get done today and I don't really have healthy snacks I can grab and bring with me on the go due to a very limited budget. So I'm sitting here feeling like I'm starving passing every fast food place known to man trying soooo hard not to give in and get some cheap fast food to make my stomach stop talking :/ I need to eat before I leave or learn to make something at least semi healthy to keep me from getting to the point that I feel like I'm starving to death lol ugh! A pizza or burger sure does sound good though lol I'm hoping by blogging when these feelings hit me it will help me make them pass? We will see I guess. All I know is I stick to this and try my hardest or I might as well start planning my funeral. And to be honest even the thought of that scares the hell outta me. I know I can do this! It will be hard but if i try hard I can do anything i put my mind to! Well here's an end to me second blog as I'm sitting in the store parking lot waiting for my hubby to grab me a salad lol