Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3

Mixed feelings

You would think after losing almost 50lbs you would feel great! But not me :/ I just feel worthless. I keep trying to make these feelings go away but I'm having a difficult time. It's 4am where my mom lives and i decided to call her while I was outside smoking trying to keep myself from having a mental break down. All I want when I talk to my mom is to here her says she's proud of me. Tonight she did and was telling me how great I'm doing and to fight the feelings I'm having. For some reason I'm still feeling down. And usually knowing she's proud of me would make my day. I sit in denial thinking, "oh I can stand to cook and clean, I can do this and that but I'm just lazy" to make myself feel better and trick myself into thinking that I'm not immobile. But yesterday when it came down to a serious situation, that didn't even require a lot of physical movement, I was unable to even do that little bit. So all this trying to fool myself into thinking I'm just lazy was totally shot down, and made me realize what little I'm really able to do even pushing myself as far as possible. I kept telling myself that all I need to do is lose 50lbs and once I do that I'll be a ton more mobile and without so much pain. Realistically I think now its going to take 100-150lbs loss before I really start getting some mobility back. I really wish it didn't feel like I was fighting a loosing battle.

On a good note, I've been really wanting to quit smoking but didn't have the money to afford the gum or anything else that would help aid me in quitting. I talked to my husband and he is wanting to quit to. So I got on the internet and started looking and found a quit smoking site that I was able to sign us both up on. What's great about this site is they pay for ALL the nicorette you need to quit smoking! For free! I ordered him the lozenges and myself the gum and they will ship the first 2 boxes of each off by next week. I'm excited to actually be able to give my all and quit this time and have the help of a nicotine aid! I can't wait for them to arrive! Our quit day is set to January 16th! This is going to be hard, I've been smoking for 15 years but I know if I try hard, I'll be able to kick the habit! I'll be posting able that journey and things I'll be doing to help fight the cravings on here as well. Well, I just felt like jumping on and blogging about the feelings I've been having since it seems to be helping me get through it.