Insomnia Much?

Well, I laid down for about an hour watching a movie trying to fall asleep but that didn't work :/ It's like 80 degrees in this house. The AC I think was ran to much and froze over so we have to leave it off to melt and I am dying! Every hour or so I have been turning it on to see if it is blowing cold air yet. I hate the heat and I am still not used to it. I wish that the AC would always work lol whats sad is, it is actually colder outside than it is in my house! :( I wish I had an enclosed porch I would sleep outside lol I hate having sleep issues. I get insomnia often when I'm not so depressed I just wanna sleep the rest of my life away. Its like from one extreme to the other.

I'm sitting here debating on doing some more work waking up lil man and taking a drive since it is not as hot outside as it is in here. The fan isn't working either. My depression keeps getting to me. I keep getting to the point of just wanting to sleep non stop. And I have been cutting off friends not talking to anyone. I have tons of unread messages that I don't want to read because I am not at a point of wanting to talk to anyone. Why do we feel this way? What triggers these emotions that we have that can control us so much? I hope I can figure out what is triggering mine so I can get it to stop. For awhile there I was having amazing days where I felt like I was on top of the world! Feeling better than I had in a LONG time! I was eating completely healthy, exercising daily, taking my meds, had my blood sugar under control and life felt good. No matter what bad things kept happening I was able to get past it and move on and have a great day.

Why haven't I been exercising? Hmm ... I think about that everyday. I rock in my rocking chair but I don't think that that is good enough, I am down on myself for not doing anything else yet I am back to being in so much pain it even hurts to lay down. Which is what would normally take away my pain. I fear that I will fail, that I won't make it on my short walk, that someone will see me and think horrible things about me. I am fighting all those fears and emotions I use to have that I had taken control of and stopped letting them control me. I am scared. Why am I scared? Why am I letting these feeling run my life. This is something I need to sit down and really think about.

A huge issues I need to work on is worrying about what others think of me. Being scared to have let someone down or didn't make them proud. These are things I can't control.No matter how hard I try I have figured that the people that aren't proud of me and always talk down to and about me are just miserable with their own life and there is no way to please them. So why doesn't that click in my mind? How come I can't tell myself not to worry about what they think. I sit here sometimes and write letters in my head to the people's whos's opinions mean the most to me. And I always just get upset and start ranting about what I have been doing to make them happy, how hard I have tried how what they "think" of me isn't actually what it really going on. Ugh ... I let some people have so much power over me. Well .... NO MORE! From this day on my goal will be to not care what anyone thinks about me. This will be the thing that I will focus and work on each day for now. It is the thing that effects me the most. I need to let go. I need to get over this.

Insomnia then Over Sleeping?

I know it sounds weird but my sleep schedule is completely messed up! I laid down at 2am to go to sleep I couldn't keep my eyes open, couldn't, so I got up rocked in my chair blogged and read a book. Still can't sleep but everyone else was already asleep so around 6am I laid back down. I laid there for 51/2 hours before I was finally able to go to sleep. Needless to say I didn't wake up til 7:30pm. I need to get everything caught up and get back on track with a normal sleep schedule. Its like my insomnia is fighting my depression that wants me to sleep all day and one day one wins the next day the other wins? Lol Well, I have sooooo much to do tonight, I'm pretty much completely overwhelmed so hopefully I can knock it all out to get caught up and take a day or two off.

Determination

I hate bad news! Been fighting this depression and I'm still not to a point where I feel like I can stay up without feeling down. Not sure why I'm not able to kick this feeling but I am trying to. I'm excited for the 26th when the challenge starts, but I've been slowly talking myself out of doing it. I need to figure out how to keep myself motivated and positive and not let this depression keep me down. I have so many ideas, plans, ect in my head but with where I am at right now I am not in the mindset to follow through. I wish I had more support from my husband, but I guess I need to work with what I have. Where do you find your motivation? What helps keep you going? I need to sit down and start making small goals I keep saying it and haven't done it yet. It's hard to sit here all day fighting with yourself to stay awake and not just sleep your life away. Especially when you are in a ton of pain constantly.

I've been sitting here all day thinking about the past jobs I used to do and miss being able to work. Being able bodied. Just feeling alive. I can't wait til I'm back at a point like that. I truly miss working and I'm the type of person that likes to take care of their family, and its hard not being able to right now. I used to be addicted to working and have had a job since I was a kid. At some points I worked 3 jobs at once. Man I miss working! I find myself looking for jobs on Craigslist for myself getting all excited then remembering I'm not able to work ant breaks my heart. Hopefully by sometime next year I will have enough weight off go get around like a normal person.

Sleep Schedule

I need to flip our sleep schedule. It's so hard remembering meals and meds when you wake at 2-4pm and head to bed at 4-6am. By the time we wake up our roommates are having dinner and heading to bed so it sucks. It would be nice to spend time with them during the day instead of being awake while they are asleep. I'm working on getting my measurements, but my son has been fussy so I'm hoping we can get him to bed soon and take care of that so I can blog it all tonight. I stopped by the store tonight and picked up some vitamin B-6 that I'm going to start taking in hopes that it gives me a slight energy boost. I take my multi vitamins everyday but I think one B-6 might help. I'm anemic so I was wanting to get some iron but they didn't have any that was on my budget. I think that's a big reason I'm always tired as well. Today my eating was great pretty much all veggies and a little fruit besides a little turkey and ham on my salad and a hard boiled egg. Sad thing is its 2am and its about "dinner" time for us. I just wanna go to bed but know I probably wont fall asleep forever. I keep telling myself I'm just going to stay up all night and day then go to bed at a normal time, but by the time we get our son to sleep there's no hope of me getting back outta bed lol. Well, going to attempt to put our son down early, wish me luck!

Just don't wanna get outta bed? Me either!

Ahhh sleep lol yes it took me forever to fall asleep but let me tell you I could sleep non stop if I was able! My sleep schedule flipped again so I'm asleep for the better part of the day and up at night. I had it fixed for a little over a week then one night staying up flipped it. Having my schedule flipped makes it much harder in my head to say "hey its time for breakfast ect.." so I get hungry because I forget to eat when I'm supposed to, take my meds and vitamins late because I forget. Just overall confuses my clock. You would think that since I'm normally a night person I would be used to it, but nope, I'm not. Plus I just received a literal book in the mail regarding my insurance that starts next month an its quite overwhelming. I need to see a Dr asap to get stronger meds for my newly discovered diabetes since I'm only on glucophage because I was waiting for the test results to confirm the diabetes. Since the results were much worse than I expected my old Dr emailed me and said I need to figure out how to see a Dr here before my insurance kicked in cause I shouldn't wait and said I'll be most likely needing insulin and at least on other pill to help control it. I wish I had a way to check my blood sugar, I'll hopefully have a way soon if I can afford the monitor and strips. Also I'm diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I refused meds for years up until recently because I was was able to control it for the most part. Unfortunately in the last year it has gotten so bad that it controls my life. And I finally gave in and asked for meds when I was able to see my Dr last month. The depression meds have helped quite a bit and I've been starting to slowly make progress. :) I have a long journey not only physically with the weight loss but also emotionally with my other equally as hard issues.

Managed to get in what I Needed

So after resting for a few from the pain and being able to get outta bed for a few hours I was able to meet 1,200 calories for the day. Its quite a bit less than my profile says I need to eat but I feel quite full and managed 15 glasses of water today. The water was on the low side, I usually drink 20-25 glasses a day. Its sooooo cold here and I have to keep my room like an ice box in order to sleep so maybe that's why my pain has been so much worse? Also I have had a non stop annoying headache all day which isn't usual? Well I'm off for the night, hoping to fall asleep within the next hour! :) Can't wait to blog tomorrow. This has really emotionally helped me along with the calorie counting. If anyone's reading, I hope you all have a great night and sweet dreams and PLEASE be careful going out tomorrow I case some people decide to do crazy things! <3