Health worries

It's been a few days since I've blogged. There's been a lot going on. My Dr put me on new meds and I've been trying to get into school while fighting the depression and pain. I had a bout of insomnia now I'm back to just wanting to sleep 24/7 which I've been trying to fight but losing. Can't keep my eyes open. Well there's one thing that has been worrying me though. I haven't been able to afford to eat healthy and haven't been act much at all yet I'm still losing weight which is not normal for me. Normally I'd be ecstatic but it kind of worries me. I need to look a few things up and see if my Dr will run some tests on me. There's no way possible I should still be losing. I expected to gain quite a bit at that appointment. Some things not right and I can feel it. Hopefully its nothing serious. I will be completely done with school soon. Only have like 15 hours left to put in and I'll be done. I'm exited. I finally accomplished something! But I really do need to get my health in order. Its really scaring me. I'm on day 15 of not smoking and proud! Just hope its not to little to late. I'm staying positive and believing everything happens for a reason and my job here is not done :) I just am praying I start feeling better soon

Fighting for my life ...

Everyday is a struggle for me. Lately I've been losing more battles. So much going on in my life and at home I feel like running away. I need to figure out how to change that. Need to try harder to focus on the good. The tension and stress rises everyday to my breaking point. I keep thinking what did I do in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person? Is it me? I know I'm controlling and I know I need to stop but I've been like that my whole life. I'm a systems person. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and I can't stand things being done wrong because it wastes time. I think I need to learn to keep my anger and frustration in check and learn to let go. I've lost motivation to do just about everything. And with no running vehicle and knowing very few people here being stuck in this horrible depressing apartment makes me depressed. What makes me more depressed is everyday I realize I'm not normal and can't just get up and clean, fix and organize everything. I have to take it one step at a time which is slow going and even more frustrating. I keep trying to figure out how to fix things but my husband is not on board. He would rather sleep or play games and drown out the world. I don't know at this point if he's willing to change and that hurts. In his eyes I do nothing not understanding just going to school is HUGE for me and the pain is excruciating ... but I fight the depression, anxiety and pain and do it. Well this past week I got to the point I feel like why try anymore. And didn't go. Even though I'm done with everything and only 26 hours away from my license. I'm going to finish this week but its going to be so hard. I have to find rides and when I'm having a hard time I can go to my van hide and cry til I feel better ....

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm having a hard time and I'm seconds from disappearing and saying screw it all. I need to figure out what makes me happy. If its even worth it .... having physical difficulties sucks! I'm not normal I can't do everyday things others can. And it frustrates me :( I'm suffering everyday and no one seems to care. I'm tired of always giving and getting nothing in return. Its time to make changes but I'm scared. But the road I'm going down isn't good. I need to find a new road to take. But to afraid to make the turn. I need to make friends that don't use me for everything I have and stick by my side when I have nothing that benefits them :/ ok rant over ....

Just had to get it out

Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3

Insomnia Much?

Well, I laid down for about an hour watching a movie trying to fall asleep but that didn't work :/ It's like 80 degrees in this house. The AC I think was ran to much and froze over so we have to leave it off to melt and I am dying! Every hour or so I have been turning it on to see if it is blowing cold air yet. I hate the heat and I am still not used to it. I wish that the AC would always work lol whats sad is, it is actually colder outside than it is in my house! :( I wish I had an enclosed porch I would sleep outside lol I hate having sleep issues. I get insomnia often when I'm not so depressed I just wanna sleep the rest of my life away. Its like from one extreme to the other.

I'm sitting here debating on doing some more work waking up lil man and taking a drive since it is not as hot outside as it is in here. The fan isn't working either. My depression keeps getting to me. I keep getting to the point of just wanting to sleep non stop. And I have been cutting off friends not talking to anyone. I have tons of unread messages that I don't want to read because I am not at a point of wanting to talk to anyone. Why do we feel this way? What triggers these emotions that we have that can control us so much? I hope I can figure out what is triggering mine so I can get it to stop. For awhile there I was having amazing days where I felt like I was on top of the world! Feeling better than I had in a LONG time! I was eating completely healthy, exercising daily, taking my meds, had my blood sugar under control and life felt good. No matter what bad things kept happening I was able to get past it and move on and have a great day.

Why haven't I been exercising? Hmm ... I think about that everyday. I rock in my rocking chair but I don't think that that is good enough, I am down on myself for not doing anything else yet I am back to being in so much pain it even hurts to lay down. Which is what would normally take away my pain. I fear that I will fail, that I won't make it on my short walk, that someone will see me and think horrible things about me. I am fighting all those fears and emotions I use to have that I had taken control of and stopped letting them control me. I am scared. Why am I scared? Why am I letting these feeling run my life. This is something I need to sit down and really think about.

A huge issues I need to work on is worrying about what others think of me. Being scared to have let someone down or didn't make them proud. These are things I can't control.No matter how hard I try I have figured that the people that aren't proud of me and always talk down to and about me are just miserable with their own life and there is no way to please them. So why doesn't that click in my mind? How come I can't tell myself not to worry about what they think. I sit here sometimes and write letters in my head to the people's whos's opinions mean the most to me. And I always just get upset and start ranting about what I have been doing to make them happy, how hard I have tried how what they "think" of me isn't actually what it really going on. Ugh ... I let some people have so much power over me. Well .... NO MORE! From this day on my goal will be to not care what anyone thinks about me. This will be the thing that I will focus and work on each day for now. It is the thing that effects me the most. I need to let go. I need to get over this.

Wearing myself out

Man these past couple months have taken a toll on me mentally and physically! I can't wait to get on a solid routine that works for us. I've been up all night working on stuff and brainstorming new ideas for some things. I have been coming up with some great super healthy, fast, cheap, and easy recipes as well. I am working on starting a DIY healthy FB page and have been so excited to do it, just haven't had the time yet. The main reason I want to start this page is so I can keep all my ideas, recipes, and awesome DIY things I find in one place, organized so they are easy for me to find. Not to mention I don't have to worry about losing it on my computer or call phone if it crashes lol And I can share my ideas with anyone interested! I have so many things that go through my mind 24/7 that I want to do but can't due to lack of time. There's something in my life that I put all my heart into that I am very passionate about that I am going to need to slow down on in order to have time for my family and myself. One day I'll figure out a happy medium. Here it is 5:30 in the morning and my child is wide awake and I still have about 20-25 hours of work left to do on what I have been working on. I'm anxious to see at the weigh in this month if the numbers went up or down. There's been so much going on that I have been overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. But my eating has been so much better and I have been a lil more active. Still not active enough but I'm slowly working my way back up there. I was so busy tonight I forgot about walking again. This coming week I'm going to the dollar store and getting more poster board to hang up an help me remember. It will also help me keep track of how much I did on what day and see my improvements to help keep me motivated. I'll be back on after I finish up what I'm doing and get some sleep. There's so much more I want to blog about! :)

Trying to get back on track

So I haven't went to sleep yet. I have been working all night on some stuff and have a ton more to do. My sleep schedule is so crazy. Hopefully soon I will get it back to normal. So yesterday I ate healthy but during the night I completely forgot to go walking. My son was acting out and having a rough night so it was stressful. But I am sitting here rocking and blogging! :) slowly getting back on track. I have a Dr appt soon that I am looking forward to. I have put off my health again and now I'm paying for it. Hopefully they can figure out what is going on with me.

On to another subject the depression that I had got a pretty good handle on has came back full force!! Its a horrible daily fight again just to drag myself out of bed when I wake up. Sometimes I don't get outta bed til I have been in bed for 12-18 hours. My antidepressants were doubled and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have obligations now so I can't not win these battles or I end up completely overwhelmed and to the point I will shut down completely. I need to get to the root of my problems and find out what is triggering these horrible emotions. I never fully understood true depression til I had it so bad I couldn't function and I would sit there balling my eyes out talking to my husband and mother asking why I was feeling that way and why I couldn't pull myself out of it. Now I truly understand real depression and how it can effect people so strongly. Its like I go to war with my mind on a daily basis. I can be feeling good and start crying for no reason. I just get this overwhelming sad, upset, scared, hurt feeling that takes over all my thoughts. I can not wait til I can get this under control and be back to my normal happy loving cheerful self again!

Daily struggles can be so hard to overcome.. but you know what? I know I can overcome it! And I know soon I will! I'm trying to get my family on a routine that works for us so that should help. I'm a systems person so the more organized I am the better I will do. Well, I think its time to see if I can catch some Zzz's before my son wakes up lol I'm sure I'll post again later this evening when I wake up :)

I always wanted to say something before I hop off. THANK YOU to those of you out there that read my ramblings and support me! I love you all so much! That's a huge reason I started blogging again to! The support and positive comments help me out more than I could ever express! So thank you for not being mean and judgemental and thank you for your support! <3

Insomnia then Over Sleeping?

I know it sounds weird but my sleep schedule is completely messed up! I laid down at 2am to go to sleep I couldn't keep my eyes open, couldn't, so I got up rocked in my chair blogged and read a book. Still can't sleep but everyone else was already asleep so around 6am I laid back down. I laid there for 51/2 hours before I was finally able to go to sleep. Needless to say I didn't wake up til 7:30pm. I need to get everything caught up and get back on track with a normal sleep schedule. Its like my insomnia is fighting my depression that wants me to sleep all day and one day one wins the next day the other wins? Lol Well, I have sooooo much to do tonight, I'm pretty much completely overwhelmed so hopefully I can knock it all out to get caught up and take a day or two off.

Got off track and took some time off

I have been away for awhile. There has been a lot going on and a lot of stress. First off when ended up having to move April 5th. Our landlord failed to pay his mortgage for quite sometime even though he told us not to worry about it because he took care of it and the house went into foreclosure and was auctioned. We were given 2 weeks to move once it auctioned. That was extremely stressful! I had a friend visit for a month and as much as I love her that was stressful as well. I fell off the wagon for over 2 months. The first month I didn't lose any weight but didn't gain. And when I went to weigh in last month I had my friend come in with me because my pain has got worse again, I wasn't eating healthy and knew I had probably went back over the 500lb mark. To my surprise, not only did I not gain weight but I lost 13lbs! I was in complete shock!! I will take it though! I think I lost weight due to stress. But its not something my body normally does? I usually gain weight when I stress! I am getting soooo close to that 100lb mark!

On a great note the new place we moved to has some downsides but the upsides make up for it! We have a gym here, which I can't wait until I am cleared by my Dr to do. I'm not sure if I blogged about it but I posted about it on my FB page. I tried out big girl zumba which is a much lower impact zumba. Well I was wearing my heart rate monitor and after less than 5min my heart rate was about 170 and I felt like I was going to pass out. I emailed my Dr in California that I've seen since I was a kid and she asked me if I was trying to give myself a heart attack. She said absolutely no aerobics that are out of the water until I get more weight off. I even have to be cautious with walking due to how high my HR goes. But we have a pool here!!! A real pool!! And it opens on the 31st! And it has decent hours! 8:30am-10pm. I can't wait til it opens! Plus its only like 20ft from my porch lol. I am setting up a monthly chart in my living room I'm hanging on the wall. I'm going to start charting the exercise I do daily and any issues I'm having. I have started rocking chair aerobics and it seems to be working good. I'm having some serious female issues right now so no swimming for me. We have a basketball court about 100ft from my porch with a couple park benches. So late at night I am going to start walking to and from the bench so I can rest when I need and see how many times I can do that each night. Along with an hour of rocking chair aerobics. I started a my fitness pal because I like how the phone app is set up but I REALLY miss calorie count. So I think I might switch back. The support on there is amazing. Even though the android app is horrible
I have been having more health issues so I finally figured out my insurance and have an appt with my new Dr in a couple weeks. My blood sugars have been sky high for no reason. My pain has increased so much its almost unbearable and a few others things have been getting worse. I'm hoping I get some answers soon though.

I wish I would have made more time for my blogging and not got away from us. It helps me a lot. I don't think I'm going to stop anymore regardless what comes up. Also what's awesome about rocking chair aerobics is during the rocking part of it I can sit here and blog. And anytime I want to blog I can rock and keep my blood and fluids pumping :)

I took a few steps back in my mobility. I can still go in a small store (YAY) but the pain and anxiety is back even if I'm only in there for a couple minutes. I think walking at night to and from the basketball court will help a lot though!

Also the depression is back in full force!! :( I haven't had a good day in months! I try and fight it as hard as I can and sometimes I'm able to and I try to make the best of my day and sometimes I lose horribly and end up sleeping for 12-18 hours and then only getting up cause I finally push myself hard enough to get out of bed. With the summer coming and the sun being out more I'm hoping that helps some with my depression. Vitamin D is good for that! Well ... I think I made quite the post so I will stop while I'm ahead so I don't bore anyone reading this more than I already have lol Look for a lot more updates as I will be back to blogging at least once a day but most likely more!

Digging Deep

There are days that we will struggle with temptation, with cravings, with our emotions that lead to not so healthy choices. I struggle everyday. I don't want anyone to think I come on here pretending I am perfect because I am FAR from it. ♥ What has helped me with these struggles (and I don't always win the fight) is stopping for a second and thinking of how far I have come. Even though my journey has just started and I have a long way to go.Think about how you feel now compared to before you started your journey. Feel those days where you felt like you could take on anything and you were on top of the world! KNOW those days will start coming more frequently :) Think of and picture yourself at your goal, how will you feel then. Set small goals (steps) and continue to climb them. Don't let anyone or anything push you down those steps! Hold on to the rail and keep climbing! If you need someone to stand behind you and push you reach out and ask for help ♥ Don't be ashamed! Don't let anything stop you from reaching your goals. Sit back and think of why you started, why you decided to do it. I have started making a motivation collage. This will be hanging in my room, for those days I lay in bed fighting with myself just to get out of bed. This journey will be a bumpy road. But don't take your eye off the mile markers along that road, don't take your eye off the destination. When we hit those bumps we have 2 choices. Are you going to let that bump stop you in place and make you come to a halt. Which in turn will make it harder to overcome that bump. Or are you going to stay focused and just cruise right over that bump? The more times we fight or inner demons and over come small goals, the easier it will be to conquer the next one. When we conquer these goals, we are showing ourselves how much self worth we have and start having more faith in our choices and actions. I needed to write this because I have been having a hard time myself and I got off track last month. I turned that bad day into a bad week then into a bad month. Could I have quit? Of course I could have. Did I quit? No I didn't! I had to take time to figure out what was going on in my head and why my I was letting the negativity win. Now I am back and fighting with my fists up! This month I will prove to myself how much of a fighter I am! Let your inner fighter out and push yourself ♥ I feel amazing today, this is one of those moments I will use when I am feeling down, like I can't fight anymore. I will think back to right now and just remember how amazing I feel, and know I will feel that way again soon ♥

Sleep

So, I didn't realize how late it was when I finally sat down to blog last night. We finally got back on a normal sleep schedule so I couldn't risk stay up all night and getting it backwards again. I wanted to hop on fast and post this for anyone who follows so they know I didn't intentionally skip posting last night. I'm up, and ready to blog before I go swimming so I should be done blogging the main one I am going to post in a few. I have set some short and long term goals for myself I will be posting and have decided to take another approach to my clean eating by doing what Chris Powell of Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition has the extremely obese use that is called carb cycling. Once I finish reading his book I am going to try it out :) This was I will never ever feel deprived and it should help me make this a complete lifestyle change I can stick to for the rest of my life :)

Flour-less Pancakes?!

Do you love pancakes but wish you had a flour-less option for them? Well ... I have the recipe for you!!! I made these for the first time the other day and I absolutely LOVEEE them! I will post the picture as well :) SO for these all you really need is
1 Banana
2 Eggs
That's all! Pretty easy huh! Blend them together cook like pancakes and you are good to go :) You can customize them as well. You can use 3 egg whites instead of 2 eggs, you can add a natural sweetener (they are pretty sweet by themselves though so try it without first) you can add your favorite protein powder, you can add blueberries or oatmeal.

The ones in the picture that I made are as follows:

1 Banana
2 Eggs
1/2 Scoop of my Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Powder

(Blended in my magic bullet)
Cook ... Just like pancakes

For topping instead of syrup I added a Tablespoon of Greek yogurt and some sliced apples on top! Yummy!

Progress

I have been slacking with my blogging. I need to make sure I blog everyday at least once. I have been setting goals and daily goals for myself so I will be adding on blogging as a daily goal! I have a bunch of things I would like to blog about and update everyone on :) It is early in the morning and we are up eating breakfast (make sure you eat breakfast! ;) ) and getting ready to head to the YMCA!!! Yesterday I decided I was going to have an amazing day because I was going to make it amazing and let's just say I rocked it! I will do a post on yesterday when I get back from swimming. I have a large NSV (non-scale victory) yesterday and I am SO proud of myself! I want to show everyone my progress so far. I took a picture when I was 30lbs down and one the other night at 60lbs down. Man I wish I would have taken a pic at the VERY start of my journey but it is ok :) So here is a picture, this was the BIGGEST step for me to post it on my FB page as it is a public page on a social media site. I did this to myself though and I needed to take responsibility for what I did. I will be back on to finish blogging after I get in some swimming and an water aerobics class, I will also be posting my new goals that I am aiming for! :)

Update...More to follow tonight

I was letting depression get the best of me again when I stopped the other day and started thinking. I need to get my head out of my ass. I know how hard the depression and anxiety is to deal with but WHY am I still letting it control my life? I was doing great and then slowly but surely fell back into the pit of depression. I didnt know what was causing it or why I was back to being that depressed so I had to get to the root of it and figure it out. After having a day long pity party with myself I decided it was simple. I needed to get my head out of my ass and no one could do that for me. I needed to stop making excuses for myself and start trying and pushing my limits. I will not lie depression is HORRIBLE, one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to fight. And for a long time it consumed me soooooo much I was to the point of questioning why I was even living.
One a great note we have been going to the YMCA to do swimming and I got a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor and some bathing suits!! Swimming is so amazing  I feel so alive in the water! And I have been getting my anxiety under control slowly but surely which is HUGE for me! I did something the other day i was SOOOO proud of! I walked through a Walgreen's for 30mins through the WHOLE store and then did it again later in the day!!!!!! I couldn't even get through the front door of the store before I would be in so much pain I would have to stop and sit back in my car not that long ago and now I can walk through the whole store!!! I will be posting a few more posts tonight. I got behind on my posts because I was letting the depression get the best of me. If you are out there and you feel hopeless or ike you cant do it, know you CAN! <3 Prove yourself wrong ;) If you need someone to talk to message me on facebook!

Personal Account: http://www.facebook.com/encourage.lynn
Weight-loss Journey Page: http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

FitBit?! :)

Have you all heard of it? I have always wanted a body bug like they have on the biggest loser but I found something I want more! I have been researching the FitBit and think I may need to save up and get me one! :) I think it would be great motivation for me!! Plus the FitBit One that I want tracks sleep patterns which will allow me to learn how to sleep better! If you have used one I wanna know what you think! I'm excited!! I think I might be able to save and get one in a few months!! :)

Current Official Weight!!

It's been a little while since I have posted. The stomach bug hit the house and all was bad! Thank god we are all feeling better now. Then yesterday I stepped out onto my back porch and slipped on invisible ice and busted my foot and knee up pretty bad. Yesterday was also the official weight in for the weight loss challenge. I swear everything in this universe was trying to keep me from joining! I finally decided I was going to go even though I was in pain over the fall. Let me tell you I shed SOOOO many tears today! I almost gave up more times then I could count! To start it off, I parked where the signs said the challenge was, and decided to try and face my anxiety alone. That was hard! Everything was icy everywhere and the only shoes I have are bedroom slippers. Strike 2. Well I get up to the table to register and I'm told that's where the weigh in is and I have to follow the cones around the hospital to register first. Strike 3. Just walking around the hospital was more walking than I was able to do but I pushed myself. I got to the outside of the doors and had to sit down on the bench because I was in so much pain. Had problems catching my breath, heart was racing, I was hurting but I was able to hold it together and hold in the tears. Once I rested for a few minute's I got up and proceeded to go inside. Strike 4. I thought the registration would be right inside. But nope. I had to follow the orange shirts down this hall and that hall, up this steep walk way and that. Not to mention it felt like it was 300 degrees in there. I kept fighting with my mind that kept telling me to turn around and forget it, its not worth it. But I made it there! Once I got there, there was chairs at the top of the stair case going down to registration and I had to sit, well collapse and catch my breath. I was in much more pain then the walk to the front of the hospital and much harder to breathe. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. I sat and broke down and cried. I don't think I have felt that kind of pain ever. But... I'm soooo proud of myself I got that far! My friend came back to save me because I left my ID in my vehicle and started having a panic attack. Then needed a ride to get my picture taken and get weighed in. I'm so grateful she came back to help me!

So!!!! My Official Weigh In for January 26th is... *drum roll*

462.4lbs! That's means in total I have lost 53.1lbs!!!!!

And starting today I will be kicking it up a notch! :)

Smoking update!

I am not going to lie I have not quit all the way. Found out some bad news about the house we are renting, and we will be having to move soon so I have been stressing bad. I tried the Nicorette and we received the 4mg gum and lozenges but they sting and burn SOOOOO bad! I don't know if I will have to get used to them or order the 2mg kind but man they hurt! I bought 2 disposable e-cigs awhile back and pulled them out to puff on when I am craving a cigarette but a puff or 2 is all I need. Today I only smoked 2 cigarettes! And I usually smoke a 1/2 of a pack to a pack and a 1/2 a day so I feel great about that! I'm hoping to have kicked it by the beginning of next month and be strictly e-cig or Nicorette! The e-cig really helps. I don't know if I am addicted to the nicotine or just the act of smoking yet but the e-cig is just like a cigarette but without the harmful stuff and second hand smoke but does have nicotine. The "smoke" is just water vapors which allows me to smoke in the house. Which is nice considering its 15 degrees or less during the day and in the negatives at night lol Did you quit smoking? If so how did you do it? I'm also going to try using sugar free gun.

Shopping List

I own all the Biggest Loser books. So lately I have been reading them to figure out what would be the quickest meals and snacks yet the healthiest. I don't mind cutting and prepping fruits and veggies I actually LOVE it! It's very relaxing for me! But I have an issue with cooking as I can't stand long enough to cook a meal without having to sit down many times which in turn causes more pain. Plus raw in my opinion is better. This is going to be hard for my husband as he is reluctant to give up his junk food and soda but our toddler should do great! Our toddler is the PICKIEST eater I swear! Lol Buttttt LOVES fresh fruit and raw veggies! And chicken! So it's a win win for me :) I am struggling daily with this anxiety and depression, and man this is a hard battle! I was suppose to take twice the dose of anti depressants I am on but due to my Dr not prescribing the right amount of them to last 90 days taking 1 for a week then going to 2, I have had to stay at only one so I don't run out. And it is not helping as much as it should. The hardest thing is I fight with myself in my head about even getting out of bed its that bad currently. But I will NOT let it win! I will fight it everyday! I'm so blessed that I have people supporting me on this journey! I get soooo excited to wake up and see comments from people, and feel like people that don't even know me care about me! It is a true blessing!

OHHHH! The weigh in is Saturday!!! The kickoff for the weight loss challenge! Wish me luck! Its going to be a 6 month challenge!

Determination

I hate bad news! Been fighting this depression and I'm still not to a point where I feel like I can stay up without feeling down. Not sure why I'm not able to kick this feeling but I am trying to. I'm excited for the 26th when the challenge starts, but I've been slowly talking myself out of doing it. I need to figure out how to keep myself motivated and positive and not let this depression keep me down. I have so many ideas, plans, ect in my head but with where I am at right now I am not in the mindset to follow through. I wish I had more support from my husband, but I guess I need to work with what I have. Where do you find your motivation? What helps keep you going? I need to sit down and start making small goals I keep saying it and haven't done it yet. It's hard to sit here all day fighting with yourself to stay awake and not just sleep your life away. Especially when you are in a ton of pain constantly.

I've been sitting here all day thinking about the past jobs I used to do and miss being able to work. Being able bodied. Just feeling alive. I can't wait til I'm back at a point like that. I truly miss working and I'm the type of person that likes to take care of their family, and its hard not being able to right now. I used to be addicted to working and have had a job since I was a kid. At some points I worked 3 jobs at once. Man I miss working! I find myself looking for jobs on Craigslist for myself getting all excited then remembering I'm not able to work ant breaks my heart. Hopefully by sometime next year I will have enough weight off go get around like a normal person.

Still trying

I have so much on my mind. I need to find a way to clear my mind and have a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? What do you do to cope with it? I have millions of ideas flowing through my head, tons of DIY ideas to save on money, tons of senseless worries and fears ect. I need to learn hope to cope with these things and not let them eat at me. My Nicorette came in the mail, my quit day is set for the 15th (3 days from now), but man, I don't know how well that is going to go. I am going to try but I think I might need to give myself a few more day to fully get out of this depression to ensure that I give it my all. I used to have so much to do when I would get online and now I get online and my mind goes blank. There is so many things I can do, yet cant even think of one when I get on. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this hole. This deep dark depression hole my mind has wandered into. At times I wish my husband paid attention to more than his phone and games or at least pretended he was listening when I try to talk to him. I think if I stick to blogging I can get through this, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that cared. Well until the next post! Bye!!

Encouragement and Tips!

These are photos I came across on FB and the internet that I thought were great info and encouragement  I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do and keep all these tips in mind as I find them very helpful! :)

Fighting the Depression Demon

So as you see I have been off for awhile. I have been battling with some severe depression that I let get the best of me. It was completely my fault though. With all the sleep schedule changes that have been going on I have forgot to take my meds for like the past week. Including my diabetic meds. NOT good and I totally feel it. I am back to the point I just want to sit in my room all day and sleep and that is what I was so proud that I was able to get past. I should acknowledge the small accomplishments that I have made and keep pushing forward no matter how I feel, but I let the depression win. I am here to take responsibility for wat I have done and from here on out promise myself I WILL try harder and KEEP pushing through! I have made a Facebook page so I can post on there as well ad find some support groups. If anyone is interested in that the link is

http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

I am looking for any support and encouragement! On a good note I went into Walgreen's the other day and actually walked through the WHOLE store!!! This is such a HUGE step for me! I was hurting soooo bad but I pushed through! I wasn't able to stay for check out, my hubby had to stay and do that for me but I was able to get through the store! So as I end this entry I want to share some awesome pictures that I found but this is not cooperating! lol So I will figure it out on post them in another post :)

Mixed feelings

You would think after losing almost 50lbs you would feel great! But not me :/ I just feel worthless. I keep trying to make these feelings go away but I'm having a difficult time. It's 4am where my mom lives and i decided to call her while I was outside smoking trying to keep myself from having a mental break down. All I want when I talk to my mom is to here her says she's proud of me. Tonight she did and was telling me how great I'm doing and to fight the feelings I'm having. For some reason I'm still feeling down. And usually knowing she's proud of me would make my day. I sit in denial thinking, "oh I can stand to cook and clean, I can do this and that but I'm just lazy" to make myself feel better and trick myself into thinking that I'm not immobile. But yesterday when it came down to a serious situation, that didn't even require a lot of physical movement, I was unable to even do that little bit. So all this trying to fool myself into thinking I'm just lazy was totally shot down, and made me realize what little I'm really able to do even pushing myself as far as possible. I kept telling myself that all I need to do is lose 50lbs and once I do that I'll be a ton more mobile and without so much pain. Realistically I think now its going to take 100-150lbs loss before I really start getting some mobility back. I really wish it didn't feel like I was fighting a loosing battle.

On a good note, I've been really wanting to quit smoking but didn't have the money to afford the gum or anything else that would help aid me in quitting. I talked to my husband and he is wanting to quit to. So I got on the internet and started looking and found a quit smoking site that I was able to sign us both up on. What's great about this site is they pay for ALL the nicorette you need to quit smoking! For free! I ordered him the lozenges and myself the gum and they will ship the first 2 boxes of each off by next week. I'm excited to actually be able to give my all and quit this time and have the help of a nicotine aid! I can't wait for them to arrive! Our quit day is set to January 16th! This is going to be hard, I've been smoking for 15 years but I know if I try hard, I'll be able to kick the habit! I'll be posting able that journey and things I'll be doing to help fight the cravings on here as well. Well, I just felt like jumping on and blogging about the feelings I've been having since it seems to be helping me get through it.

Helplessness ....

It feels great knowing that I am making progress but I had a reality check this morning that really opened my eyes.

My husband was up all night vomiting, no idea why or where it came from and it's not like him to get sick. Our 2 year old has a head cold but no vomiting. Well I was up all night trying to take care of them and couldn't :( I had to sit down and just cry as my whole body was hurting so bad I was just shaking and trying to catch my breath and I wasn't hardly doing anything but trying to get them water and keep my son from destroying everything. Well my husband went to the bathroom yet again vomiting and then called for me so I hurried to the bathroom and hes standing in the doorway with his arms stuck in the position they were in and his hands were stuck in the fist position. He was breathing heavily and having a hard time standing so I helped him over to the bed and he was almost crying because his hands were causing so much pain and he couldn't open them. I didn't want to leave his side but my son was getting in to everything and I started to panic because my husband was rolling around the bed in pain. At that moment I realized I cant do what I need to do, what I could normally do and all I could do was panic and cry. I wanted to get him to the hospital but I cant even get my son into the car and strapped in the car seat myself without having to sit and cry in pain. Let alone go back in get my husband to the car and get us to the hospital and then walk in the hospital carrying my son helping my husband in. UGH I have been in pieces all day because of this! I ended up calling 911 and waking up my friends that are staying here to help me. Turns out the hands and arms clenched due to hyperventilating while vomiting. Thank God it wasn't something serious but I cant help but worry. That was so scary!

Once things calmed down I sat outside and just cried. I felt SO helpless!!! What if something else happens and I can't do what I need to do? This is the scariest thought ever! I'm glad I'm working hard to get healthy and this was totally a motivation to work even harder and push through the depression and anxiety I have. I knew exactly what I needed to do today and what I would have did, but it came down to the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing it anymore. I just need to remember I CAN do this and I WILL succeed!

Stats! (a little late)

 So I wanted to record my stats on here as a way to keep track of my progress and see how far I have came. I started this journey on October 21st and my starting weight was 515.5 lbs! I was to the point I just wanted to lay in bed 24/7 and wait until the day I die came, because I knew at the point I was at and the health problems I have that it wouldn't be long. I would cry in fear knowing that I wouldn't be around to watch my son grow up. I felt horrible for my husband and on many occasions told him that if I were him  I would leave me because it's not fair to him to have to take care of me. I was at the point were everything felt hopeless and felt there was nothing I could do. I am not even 30 years old yet and to the pint I'm not mobile other than being able to walk to my vehicle and that was pretty much the extent. Not to mention the excruciating pain that my whole body (my back is the absolute worst!) is in 24/7. When you get to that point what do you do? I couldn't go for walks to get exercise  pretty much nothing. Just walking like 10ft to the bathroom and my heart rate was that of someone who just ran a marathon. My pulse at rest is over 150 24/7 if you can imagine how the slightest physical activity spikes it up. Ok well I sat here last night fighting with myself to post this so I think I just need to do it and own up to what I have done to myself.


Weight as of 12/24/2012:
473lbs

Measurements:

Calves - 21 inches
Thighs - 32 inches
Biceps - 21 inches
Elbow - 14 inches
Hips 74 inches
Waist - 71 inches
Chest - 76 Inches
Above Chest (under arms) - 60 inches
Neck - 21 inches


Ok I have listed them, now I just have to press publish :/ I am beyond ashamed but I am who I am and by next year and the year after and so on I will become the person that I want to be! :)

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.

Christmas!

Wrapping those presents took WAY longer than expected! But they are all finished along with chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate I made for the kids! :) This year we are blessed to have another family here with us. I think I'm more excited to record them opening presents and watching their faces light up then the kids are getting ready to open them! Lol I have the blog started on the computer with the stats, but need to wait until tonight to finish and post it. I can say as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! It still hasn't registered in my head as I cant see much of a difference, but my sweats are starting to not stay up on my butt lol Looking back on where we were and what we had last year compared to this year makes me cry! We have came so far and I'm so proud of my husband and I. I can't believe we are having a Christmas this beautiful! I Thank the lord for that, as he has blessed us with the hard work we put forth to get here. And the fact we have our own place to live finally is an amazing feeling! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas everyone! And remember to cherish every moment you have to spend with your loved ones as you never know what tomorrow brings! And don't take the little things for granted, look at all the beauty life is in itself :)

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

Upcoming Christmas Dinner

The holidays are upon us! I was watching a show yesterday that said that the typical holiday meal ranges from 3,500-4,000 calories! That's quite a hefty amount of calories for one meal lol So this year for Christmas dinner I'm going to eat turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes but limit them. The turkey is healthy without skin but the potatoes and stuffing are really bad for someone with diabetes. I'll probably make myself some veggies to take place of the excess potatoes and stuffing that will be tempting me. I started researching the glycemic index to help me understand what foods are good and bad for diabetics and I have to say from what I have learned so far I'm pretty surprised at some food items that I thought were good for me that turned out to be worse for my blood sugar than ice cream. I've been battling my newly developed sweet tooth with the raisin cinnamon granola peanut butter. Omg its amazing! If I get a sweet tooth and cant fight the craving i eat one or two tablespoons with fresh celery. Its helped me get by so far. Also an apple or banana has helped some to if I'm just looking for something quick and sweet to snack on. I found this recipe that I made last month for healthy diabetic friendly cookies. Its no flour required, just oats, a tiny bit of peanut butter, one banana and a little splenda. They turned out amazing! I think I might make a batch for Christmas so I'm not tempted to eat any of the candy or sweets. I'm bummed that satsumas will be out of season soon as those are like candy to me as well and full of vitamin c.

Sleep Schedule

I need to flip our sleep schedule. It's so hard remembering meals and meds when you wake at 2-4pm and head to bed at 4-6am. By the time we wake up our roommates are having dinner and heading to bed so it sucks. It would be nice to spend time with them during the day instead of being awake while they are asleep. I'm working on getting my measurements, but my son has been fussy so I'm hoping we can get him to bed soon and take care of that so I can blog it all tonight. I stopped by the store tonight and picked up some vitamin B-6 that I'm going to start taking in hopes that it gives me a slight energy boost. I take my multi vitamins everyday but I think one B-6 might help. I'm anemic so I was wanting to get some iron but they didn't have any that was on my budget. I think that's a big reason I'm always tired as well. Today my eating was great pretty much all veggies and a little fruit besides a little turkey and ham on my salad and a hard boiled egg. Sad thing is its 2am and its about "dinner" time for us. I just wanna go to bed but know I probably wont fall asleep forever. I keep telling myself I'm just going to stay up all night and day then go to bed at a normal time, but by the time we get our son to sleep there's no hope of me getting back outta bed lol. Well, going to attempt to put our son down early, wish me luck!

All in for better or for worse!

For those of you that have been reading my blogs, I bet your wondering what I look like size wise? Well I'm having my hubby find me a measuring tape right now. Once we get home I need to measure myself all over, get a current weight from today and take some before pictures. To give you a slight idea of my size until I make the official post ... It took me a LONG time to find an at home scale to weigh me and cost me almost $60 and I had to order it online. I HATE the word Bariatric! But that's the kind of things I had to shop for. I'm not looking forward to seeing that hard truth but I need to do it. Especially if I want to be able to really see my progress. I wish I would have started and did all that in October when I started making changes since I've lost a chunk of weight since then, but at least I am doing it now! :)