Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3

Current Official Weight!!

It's been a little while since I have posted. The stomach bug hit the house and all was bad! Thank god we are all feeling better now. Then yesterday I stepped out onto my back porch and slipped on invisible ice and busted my foot and knee up pretty bad. Yesterday was also the official weight in for the weight loss challenge. I swear everything in this universe was trying to keep me from joining! I finally decided I was going to go even though I was in pain over the fall. Let me tell you I shed SOOOO many tears today! I almost gave up more times then I could count! To start it off, I parked where the signs said the challenge was, and decided to try and face my anxiety alone. That was hard! Everything was icy everywhere and the only shoes I have are bedroom slippers. Strike 2. Well I get up to the table to register and I'm told that's where the weigh in is and I have to follow the cones around the hospital to register first. Strike 3. Just walking around the hospital was more walking than I was able to do but I pushed myself. I got to the outside of the doors and had to sit down on the bench because I was in so much pain. Had problems catching my breath, heart was racing, I was hurting but I was able to hold it together and hold in the tears. Once I rested for a few minute's I got up and proceeded to go inside. Strike 4. I thought the registration would be right inside. But nope. I had to follow the orange shirts down this hall and that hall, up this steep walk way and that. Not to mention it felt like it was 300 degrees in there. I kept fighting with my mind that kept telling me to turn around and forget it, its not worth it. But I made it there! Once I got there, there was chairs at the top of the stair case going down to registration and I had to sit, well collapse and catch my breath. I was in much more pain then the walk to the front of the hospital and much harder to breathe. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. I sat and broke down and cried. I don't think I have felt that kind of pain ever. But... I'm soooo proud of myself I got that far! My friend came back to save me because I left my ID in my vehicle and started having a panic attack. Then needed a ride to get my picture taken and get weighed in. I'm so grateful she came back to help me!

So!!!! My Official Weigh In for January 26th is... *drum roll*

462.4lbs! That's means in total I have lost 53.1lbs!!!!!

And starting today I will be kicking it up a notch! :)

Humiliated

Have you ever felt humiliated? Ugh what a horrible feeling! I swear I will be posting my stats soon it's pretty much typed up I just have to push publish but I'm fighting my inner demons with it. I'm embarrassed,  humiliated, ashamed ect and it's proved harder than I thought. I even went out of my way to set this up so only a select few people know that's it's me. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions that got me to this point and hold myself accountable, but its humiliating. Plus regardless of continuing to lose weight the daily pain I'm in keeps getting worse it seems the past few days. I just want to sit and cry for hours I'm in so much pain sometimes but have to hold it in so my son doesn't see, because when he sees me cry it really affects him. If only this constant pain would go away this journey would be much easier. I'm still not to a point where I can walk more than a few feet still either. Well, I'm laying in bed trying to get the pain to stop so I can at least sit up for awhile so I'm going to lay here fight my inner demons and publish the other post when I get up.

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

Managed to get in what I Needed

So after resting for a few from the pain and being able to get outta bed for a few hours I was able to meet 1,200 calories for the day. Its quite a bit less than my profile says I need to eat but I feel quite full and managed 15 glasses of water today. The water was on the low side, I usually drink 20-25 glasses a day. Its sooooo cold here and I have to keep my room like an ice box in order to sleep so maybe that's why my pain has been so much worse? Also I have had a non stop annoying headache all day which isn't usual? Well I'm off for the night, hoping to fall asleep within the next hour! :) Can't wait to blog tomorrow. This has really emotionally helped me along with the calorie counting. If anyone's reading, I hope you all have a great night and sweet dreams and PLEASE be careful going out tomorrow I case some people decide to do crazy things! <3