Fighting for my life ...

Everyday is a struggle for me. Lately I've been losing more battles. So much going on in my life and at home I feel like running away. I need to figure out how to change that. Need to try harder to focus on the good. The tension and stress rises everyday to my breaking point. I keep thinking what did I do in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person? Is it me? I know I'm controlling and I know I need to stop but I've been like that my whole life. I'm a systems person. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and I can't stand things being done wrong because it wastes time. I think I need to learn to keep my anger and frustration in check and learn to let go. I've lost motivation to do just about everything. And with no running vehicle and knowing very few people here being stuck in this horrible depressing apartment makes me depressed. What makes me more depressed is everyday I realize I'm not normal and can't just get up and clean, fix and organize everything. I have to take it one step at a time which is slow going and even more frustrating. I keep trying to figure out how to fix things but my husband is not on board. He would rather sleep or play games and drown out the world. I don't know at this point if he's willing to change and that hurts. In his eyes I do nothing not understanding just going to school is HUGE for me and the pain is excruciating ... but I fight the depression, anxiety and pain and do it. Well this past week I got to the point I feel like why try anymore. And didn't go. Even though I'm done with everything and only 26 hours away from my license. I'm going to finish this week but its going to be so hard. I have to find rides and when I'm having a hard time I can go to my van hide and cry til I feel better ....

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm having a hard time and I'm seconds from disappearing and saying screw it all. I need to figure out what makes me happy. If its even worth it .... having physical difficulties sucks! I'm not normal I can't do everyday things others can. And it frustrates me :( I'm suffering everyday and no one seems to care. I'm tired of always giving and getting nothing in return. Its time to make changes but I'm scared. But the road I'm going down isn't good. I need to find a new road to take. But to afraid to make the turn. I need to make friends that don't use me for everything I have and stick by my side when I have nothing that benefits them :/ ok rant over ....

Just had to get it out