Health worries

It's been a few days since I've blogged. There's been a lot going on. My Dr put me on new meds and I've been trying to get into school while fighting the depression and pain. I had a bout of insomnia now I'm back to just wanting to sleep 24/7 which I've been trying to fight but losing. Can't keep my eyes open. Well there's one thing that has been worrying me though. I haven't been able to afford to eat healthy and haven't been act much at all yet I'm still losing weight which is not normal for me. Normally I'd be ecstatic but it kind of worries me. I need to look a few things up and see if my Dr will run some tests on me. There's no way possible I should still be losing. I expected to gain quite a bit at that appointment. Some things not right and I can feel it. Hopefully its nothing serious. I will be completely done with school soon. Only have like 15 hours left to put in and I'll be done. I'm exited. I finally accomplished something! But I really do need to get my health in order. Its really scaring me. I'm on day 15 of not smoking and proud! Just hope its not to little to late. I'm staying positive and believing everything happens for a reason and my job here is not done :) I just am praying I start feeling better soon

Fighting for my life ...

Everyday is a struggle for me. Lately I've been losing more battles. So much going on in my life and at home I feel like running away. I need to figure out how to change that. Need to try harder to focus on the good. The tension and stress rises everyday to my breaking point. I keep thinking what did I do in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person? Is it me? I know I'm controlling and I know I need to stop but I've been like that my whole life. I'm a systems person. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and I can't stand things being done wrong because it wastes time. I think I need to learn to keep my anger and frustration in check and learn to let go. I've lost motivation to do just about everything. And with no running vehicle and knowing very few people here being stuck in this horrible depressing apartment makes me depressed. What makes me more depressed is everyday I realize I'm not normal and can't just get up and clean, fix and organize everything. I have to take it one step at a time which is slow going and even more frustrating. I keep trying to figure out how to fix things but my husband is not on board. He would rather sleep or play games and drown out the world. I don't know at this point if he's willing to change and that hurts. In his eyes I do nothing not understanding just going to school is HUGE for me and the pain is excruciating ... but I fight the depression, anxiety and pain and do it. Well this past week I got to the point I feel like why try anymore. And didn't go. Even though I'm done with everything and only 26 hours away from my license. I'm going to finish this week but its going to be so hard. I have to find rides and when I'm having a hard time I can go to my van hide and cry til I feel better ....

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm having a hard time and I'm seconds from disappearing and saying screw it all. I need to figure out what makes me happy. If its even worth it .... having physical difficulties sucks! I'm not normal I can't do everyday things others can. And it frustrates me :( I'm suffering everyday and no one seems to care. I'm tired of always giving and getting nothing in return. Its time to make changes but I'm scared. But the road I'm going down isn't good. I need to find a new road to take. But to afraid to make the turn. I need to make friends that don't use me for everything I have and stick by my side when I have nothing that benefits them :/ ok rant over ....

Just had to get it out

Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3

Trying to get back on track

So I haven't went to sleep yet. I have been working all night on some stuff and have a ton more to do. My sleep schedule is so crazy. Hopefully soon I will get it back to normal. So yesterday I ate healthy but during the night I completely forgot to go walking. My son was acting out and having a rough night so it was stressful. But I am sitting here rocking and blogging! :) slowly getting back on track. I have a Dr appt soon that I am looking forward to. I have put off my health again and now I'm paying for it. Hopefully they can figure out what is going on with me.

On to another subject the depression that I had got a pretty good handle on has came back full force!! Its a horrible daily fight again just to drag myself out of bed when I wake up. Sometimes I don't get outta bed til I have been in bed for 12-18 hours. My antidepressants were doubled and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have obligations now so I can't not win these battles or I end up completely overwhelmed and to the point I will shut down completely. I need to get to the root of my problems and find out what is triggering these horrible emotions. I never fully understood true depression til I had it so bad I couldn't function and I would sit there balling my eyes out talking to my husband and mother asking why I was feeling that way and why I couldn't pull myself out of it. Now I truly understand real depression and how it can effect people so strongly. Its like I go to war with my mind on a daily basis. I can be feeling good and start crying for no reason. I just get this overwhelming sad, upset, scared, hurt feeling that takes over all my thoughts. I can not wait til I can get this under control and be back to my normal happy loving cheerful self again!

Daily struggles can be so hard to overcome.. but you know what? I know I can overcome it! And I know soon I will! I'm trying to get my family on a routine that works for us so that should help. I'm a systems person so the more organized I am the better I will do. Well, I think its time to see if I can catch some Zzz's before my son wakes up lol I'm sure I'll post again later this evening when I wake up :)

I always wanted to say something before I hop off. THANK YOU to those of you out there that read my ramblings and support me! I love you all so much! That's a huge reason I started blogging again to! The support and positive comments help me out more than I could ever express! So thank you for not being mean and judgemental and thank you for your support! <3

Insomnia then Over Sleeping?

I know it sounds weird but my sleep schedule is completely messed up! I laid down at 2am to go to sleep I couldn't keep my eyes open, couldn't, so I got up rocked in my chair blogged and read a book. Still can't sleep but everyone else was already asleep so around 6am I laid back down. I laid there for 51/2 hours before I was finally able to go to sleep. Needless to say I didn't wake up til 7:30pm. I need to get everything caught up and get back on track with a normal sleep schedule. Its like my insomnia is fighting my depression that wants me to sleep all day and one day one wins the next day the other wins? Lol Well, I have sooooo much to do tonight, I'm pretty much completely overwhelmed so hopefully I can knock it all out to get caught up and take a day or two off.

Got off track and took some time off

I have been away for awhile. There has been a lot going on and a lot of stress. First off when ended up having to move April 5th. Our landlord failed to pay his mortgage for quite sometime even though he told us not to worry about it because he took care of it and the house went into foreclosure and was auctioned. We were given 2 weeks to move once it auctioned. That was extremely stressful! I had a friend visit for a month and as much as I love her that was stressful as well. I fell off the wagon for over 2 months. The first month I didn't lose any weight but didn't gain. And when I went to weigh in last month I had my friend come in with me because my pain has got worse again, I wasn't eating healthy and knew I had probably went back over the 500lb mark. To my surprise, not only did I not gain weight but I lost 13lbs! I was in complete shock!! I will take it though! I think I lost weight due to stress. But its not something my body normally does? I usually gain weight when I stress! I am getting soooo close to that 100lb mark!

On a great note the new place we moved to has some downsides but the upsides make up for it! We have a gym here, which I can't wait until I am cleared by my Dr to do. I'm not sure if I blogged about it but I posted about it on my FB page. I tried out big girl zumba which is a much lower impact zumba. Well I was wearing my heart rate monitor and after less than 5min my heart rate was about 170 and I felt like I was going to pass out. I emailed my Dr in California that I've seen since I was a kid and she asked me if I was trying to give myself a heart attack. She said absolutely no aerobics that are out of the water until I get more weight off. I even have to be cautious with walking due to how high my HR goes. But we have a pool here!!! A real pool!! And it opens on the 31st! And it has decent hours! 8:30am-10pm. I can't wait til it opens! Plus its only like 20ft from my porch lol. I am setting up a monthly chart in my living room I'm hanging on the wall. I'm going to start charting the exercise I do daily and any issues I'm having. I have started rocking chair aerobics and it seems to be working good. I'm having some serious female issues right now so no swimming for me. We have a basketball court about 100ft from my porch with a couple park benches. So late at night I am going to start walking to and from the bench so I can rest when I need and see how many times I can do that each night. Along with an hour of rocking chair aerobics. I started a my fitness pal because I like how the phone app is set up but I REALLY miss calorie count. So I think I might switch back. The support on there is amazing. Even though the android app is horrible
I have been having more health issues so I finally figured out my insurance and have an appt with my new Dr in a couple weeks. My blood sugars have been sky high for no reason. My pain has increased so much its almost unbearable and a few others things have been getting worse. I'm hoping I get some answers soon though.

I wish I would have made more time for my blogging and not got away from us. It helps me a lot. I don't think I'm going to stop anymore regardless what comes up. Also what's awesome about rocking chair aerobics is during the rocking part of it I can sit here and blog. And anytime I want to blog I can rock and keep my blood and fluids pumping :)

I took a few steps back in my mobility. I can still go in a small store (YAY) but the pain and anxiety is back even if I'm only in there for a couple minutes. I think walking at night to and from the basketball court will help a lot though!

Also the depression is back in full force!! :( I haven't had a good day in months! I try and fight it as hard as I can and sometimes I'm able to and I try to make the best of my day and sometimes I lose horribly and end up sleeping for 12-18 hours and then only getting up cause I finally push myself hard enough to get out of bed. With the summer coming and the sun being out more I'm hoping that helps some with my depression. Vitamin D is good for that! Well ... I think I made quite the post so I will stop while I'm ahead so I don't bore anyone reading this more than I already have lol Look for a lot more updates as I will be back to blogging at least once a day but most likely more!

Digging Deep

There are days that we will struggle with temptation, with cravings, with our emotions that lead to not so healthy choices. I struggle everyday. I don't want anyone to think I come on here pretending I am perfect because I am FAR from it. ♥ What has helped me with these struggles (and I don't always win the fight) is stopping for a second and thinking of how far I have come. Even though my journey has just started and I have a long way to go.Think about how you feel now compared to before you started your journey. Feel those days where you felt like you could take on anything and you were on top of the world! KNOW those days will start coming more frequently :) Think of and picture yourself at your goal, how will you feel then. Set small goals (steps) and continue to climb them. Don't let anyone or anything push you down those steps! Hold on to the rail and keep climbing! If you need someone to stand behind you and push you reach out and ask for help ♥ Don't be ashamed! Don't let anything stop you from reaching your goals. Sit back and think of why you started, why you decided to do it. I have started making a motivation collage. This will be hanging in my room, for those days I lay in bed fighting with myself just to get out of bed. This journey will be a bumpy road. But don't take your eye off the mile markers along that road, don't take your eye off the destination. When we hit those bumps we have 2 choices. Are you going to let that bump stop you in place and make you come to a halt. Which in turn will make it harder to overcome that bump. Or are you going to stay focused and just cruise right over that bump? The more times we fight or inner demons and over come small goals, the easier it will be to conquer the next one. When we conquer these goals, we are showing ourselves how much self worth we have and start having more faith in our choices and actions. I needed to write this because I have been having a hard time myself and I got off track last month. I turned that bad day into a bad week then into a bad month. Could I have quit? Of course I could have. Did I quit? No I didn't! I had to take time to figure out what was going on in my head and why my I was letting the negativity win. Now I am back and fighting with my fists up! This month I will prove to myself how much of a fighter I am! Let your inner fighter out and push yourself ♥ I feel amazing today, this is one of those moments I will use when I am feeling down, like I can't fight anymore. I will think back to right now and just remember how amazing I feel, and know I will feel that way again soon ♥

Update...More to follow tonight

I was letting depression get the best of me again when I stopped the other day and started thinking. I need to get my head out of my ass. I know how hard the depression and anxiety is to deal with but WHY am I still letting it control my life? I was doing great and then slowly but surely fell back into the pit of depression. I didnt know what was causing it or why I was back to being that depressed so I had to get to the root of it and figure it out. After having a day long pity party with myself I decided it was simple. I needed to get my head out of my ass and no one could do that for me. I needed to stop making excuses for myself and start trying and pushing my limits. I will not lie depression is HORRIBLE, one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to fight. And for a long time it consumed me soooooo much I was to the point of questioning why I was even living.
One a great note we have been going to the YMCA to do swimming and I got a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor and some bathing suits!! Swimming is so amazing  I feel so alive in the water! And I have been getting my anxiety under control slowly but surely which is HUGE for me! I did something the other day i was SOOOO proud of! I walked through a Walgreen's for 30mins through the WHOLE store and then did it again later in the day!!!!!! I couldn't even get through the front door of the store before I would be in so much pain I would have to stop and sit back in my car not that long ago and now I can walk through the whole store!!! I will be posting a few more posts tonight. I got behind on my posts because I was letting the depression get the best of me. If you are out there and you feel hopeless or ike you cant do it, know you CAN! <3 Prove yourself wrong ;) If you need someone to talk to message me on facebook!

Personal Account: http://www.facebook.com/encourage.lynn
Weight-loss Journey Page: http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

Shopping List

I own all the Biggest Loser books. So lately I have been reading them to figure out what would be the quickest meals and snacks yet the healthiest. I don't mind cutting and prepping fruits and veggies I actually LOVE it! It's very relaxing for me! But I have an issue with cooking as I can't stand long enough to cook a meal without having to sit down many times which in turn causes more pain. Plus raw in my opinion is better. This is going to be hard for my husband as he is reluctant to give up his junk food and soda but our toddler should do great! Our toddler is the PICKIEST eater I swear! Lol Buttttt LOVES fresh fruit and raw veggies! And chicken! So it's a win win for me :) I am struggling daily with this anxiety and depression, and man this is a hard battle! I was suppose to take twice the dose of anti depressants I am on but due to my Dr not prescribing the right amount of them to last 90 days taking 1 for a week then going to 2, I have had to stay at only one so I don't run out. And it is not helping as much as it should. The hardest thing is I fight with myself in my head about even getting out of bed its that bad currently. But I will NOT let it win! I will fight it everyday! I'm so blessed that I have people supporting me on this journey! I get soooo excited to wake up and see comments from people, and feel like people that don't even know me care about me! It is a true blessing!

OHHHH! The weigh in is Saturday!!! The kickoff for the weight loss challenge! Wish me luck! Its going to be a 6 month challenge!

Still trying

I have so much on my mind. I need to find a way to clear my mind and have a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? What do you do to cope with it? I have millions of ideas flowing through my head, tons of DIY ideas to save on money, tons of senseless worries and fears ect. I need to learn hope to cope with these things and not let them eat at me. My Nicorette came in the mail, my quit day is set for the 15th (3 days from now), but man, I don't know how well that is going to go. I am going to try but I think I might need to give myself a few more day to fully get out of this depression to ensure that I give it my all. I used to have so much to do when I would get online and now I get online and my mind goes blank. There is so many things I can do, yet cant even think of one when I get on. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this hole. This deep dark depression hole my mind has wandered into. At times I wish my husband paid attention to more than his phone and games or at least pretended he was listening when I try to talk to him. I think if I stick to blogging I can get through this, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that cared. Well until the next post! Bye!!

Fighting the Depression Demon

So as you see I have been off for awhile. I have been battling with some severe depression that I let get the best of me. It was completely my fault though. With all the sleep schedule changes that have been going on I have forgot to take my meds for like the past week. Including my diabetic meds. NOT good and I totally feel it. I am back to the point I just want to sit in my room all day and sleep and that is what I was so proud that I was able to get past. I should acknowledge the small accomplishments that I have made and keep pushing forward no matter how I feel, but I let the depression win. I am here to take responsibility for wat I have done and from here on out promise myself I WILL try harder and KEEP pushing through! I have made a Facebook page so I can post on there as well ad find some support groups. If anyone is interested in that the link is

http://www.facebook.com/onamissionformyself

I am looking for any support and encouragement! On a good note I went into Walgreen's the other day and actually walked through the WHOLE store!!! This is such a HUGE step for me! I was hurting soooo bad but I pushed through! I wasn't able to stay for check out, my hubby had to stay and do that for me but I was able to get through the store! So as I end this entry I want to share some awesome pictures that I found but this is not cooperating! lol So I will figure it out on post them in another post :)

Helplessness ....

It feels great knowing that I am making progress but I had a reality check this morning that really opened my eyes.

My husband was up all night vomiting, no idea why or where it came from and it's not like him to get sick. Our 2 year old has a head cold but no vomiting. Well I was up all night trying to take care of them and couldn't :( I had to sit down and just cry as my whole body was hurting so bad I was just shaking and trying to catch my breath and I wasn't hardly doing anything but trying to get them water and keep my son from destroying everything. Well my husband went to the bathroom yet again vomiting and then called for me so I hurried to the bathroom and hes standing in the doorway with his arms stuck in the position they were in and his hands were stuck in the fist position. He was breathing heavily and having a hard time standing so I helped him over to the bed and he was almost crying because his hands were causing so much pain and he couldn't open them. I didn't want to leave his side but my son was getting in to everything and I started to panic because my husband was rolling around the bed in pain. At that moment I realized I cant do what I need to do, what I could normally do and all I could do was panic and cry. I wanted to get him to the hospital but I cant even get my son into the car and strapped in the car seat myself without having to sit and cry in pain. Let alone go back in get my husband to the car and get us to the hospital and then walk in the hospital carrying my son helping my husband in. UGH I have been in pieces all day because of this! I ended up calling 911 and waking up my friends that are staying here to help me. Turns out the hands and arms clenched due to hyperventilating while vomiting. Thank God it wasn't something serious but I cant help but worry. That was so scary!

Once things calmed down I sat outside and just cried. I felt SO helpless!!! What if something else happens and I can't do what I need to do? This is the scariest thought ever! I'm glad I'm working hard to get healthy and this was totally a motivation to work even harder and push through the depression and anxiety I have. I knew exactly what I needed to do today and what I would have did, but it came down to the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing it anymore. I just need to remember I CAN do this and I WILL succeed!

Stats! (a little late)

 So I wanted to record my stats on here as a way to keep track of my progress and see how far I have came. I started this journey on October 21st and my starting weight was 515.5 lbs! I was to the point I just wanted to lay in bed 24/7 and wait until the day I die came, because I knew at the point I was at and the health problems I have that it wouldn't be long. I would cry in fear knowing that I wouldn't be around to watch my son grow up. I felt horrible for my husband and on many occasions told him that if I were him  I would leave me because it's not fair to him to have to take care of me. I was at the point were everything felt hopeless and felt there was nothing I could do. I am not even 30 years old yet and to the pint I'm not mobile other than being able to walk to my vehicle and that was pretty much the extent. Not to mention the excruciating pain that my whole body (my back is the absolute worst!) is in 24/7. When you get to that point what do you do? I couldn't go for walks to get exercise  pretty much nothing. Just walking like 10ft to the bathroom and my heart rate was that of someone who just ran a marathon. My pulse at rest is over 150 24/7 if you can imagine how the slightest physical activity spikes it up. Ok well I sat here last night fighting with myself to post this so I think I just need to do it and own up to what I have done to myself.


Weight as of 12/24/2012:
473lbs

Measurements:

Calves - 21 inches
Thighs - 32 inches
Biceps - 21 inches
Elbow - 14 inches
Hips 74 inches
Waist - 71 inches
Chest - 76 Inches
Above Chest (under arms) - 60 inches
Neck - 21 inches


Ok I have listed them, now I just have to press publish :/ I am beyond ashamed but I am who I am and by next year and the year after and so on I will become the person that I want to be! :)

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

High Expectations

I'm sitting here kinda bummed hoping people would magically find my blog, hopefully be interested, and leave comments of support and encouragement. I need to remember that I haven't told hardly anyone about my blog and I tend to ramble so I might not get many people that are even interested in reading my blog. I hope in the future someone that chooses to read this, might be interested in my journey and want to be here and support me :) I haven't did a post yet of my weight, how much I have lost yet, when I started my journey or anything else but I promise I will soon. Until I hit 100lbs lost I wont be posting about my blog on my social media sites as I'm VERY ashamed of how bad my weight became. Once I hit 100lbs lost I'll be continuing blogging a lot but I also will be starting a YouTube channel and doing a daily video where I can talk and express things better and feel more connected with my supporters and hopefully encourage other people that are sitting at home feeling completely hopeless and like giving up that it is possible to get your life back and live instead of feeling like your already dead and living on borrowed time, as I still do but know I'm going to prove myself wrong and be here to watch my child grow up! Which is the main reason I have started this journey. If anyone is indeed reading this please feel free to comment as I would love any tips, encouragement or support :) if you would like to see my food log ect feel free to find me on caloriecount.com my name on there is onamissionformyself :)

Just don't wanna get outta bed? Me either!

Ahhh sleep lol yes it took me forever to fall asleep but let me tell you I could sleep non stop if I was able! My sleep schedule flipped again so I'm asleep for the better part of the day and up at night. I had it fixed for a little over a week then one night staying up flipped it. Having my schedule flipped makes it much harder in my head to say "hey its time for breakfast ect.." so I get hungry because I forget to eat when I'm supposed to, take my meds and vitamins late because I forget. Just overall confuses my clock. You would think that since I'm normally a night person I would be used to it, but nope, I'm not. Plus I just received a literal book in the mail regarding my insurance that starts next month an its quite overwhelming. I need to see a Dr asap to get stronger meds for my newly discovered diabetes since I'm only on glucophage because I was waiting for the test results to confirm the diabetes. Since the results were much worse than I expected my old Dr emailed me and said I need to figure out how to see a Dr here before my insurance kicked in cause I shouldn't wait and said I'll be most likely needing insulin and at least on other pill to help control it. I wish I had a way to check my blood sugar, I'll hopefully have a way soon if I can afford the monitor and strips. Also I'm diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I refused meds for years up until recently because I was was able to control it for the most part. Unfortunately in the last year it has gotten so bad that it controls my life. And I finally gave in and asked for meds when I was able to see my Dr last month. The depression meds have helped quite a bit and I've been starting to slowly make progress. :) I have a long journey not only physically with the weight loss but also emotionally with my other equally as hard issues.