Health worries

It's been a few days since I've blogged. There's been a lot going on. My Dr put me on new meds and I've been trying to get into school while fighting the depression and pain. I had a bout of insomnia now I'm back to just wanting to sleep 24/7 which I've been trying to fight but losing. Can't keep my eyes open. Well there's one thing that has been worrying me though. I haven't been able to afford to eat healthy and haven't been act much at all yet I'm still losing weight which is not normal for me. Normally I'd be ecstatic but it kind of worries me. I need to look a few things up and see if my Dr will run some tests on me. There's no way possible I should still be losing. I expected to gain quite a bit at that appointment. Some things not right and I can feel it. Hopefully its nothing serious. I will be completely done with school soon. Only have like 15 hours left to put in and I'll be done. I'm exited. I finally accomplished something! But I really do need to get my health in order. Its really scaring me. I'm on day 15 of not smoking and proud! Just hope its not to little to late. I'm staying positive and believing everything happens for a reason and my job here is not done :) I just am praying I start feeling better soon

Fighting for my life ...

Everyday is a struggle for me. Lately I've been losing more battles. So much going on in my life and at home I feel like running away. I need to figure out how to change that. Need to try harder to focus on the good. The tension and stress rises everyday to my breaking point. I keep thinking what did I do in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person? Is it me? I know I'm controlling and I know I need to stop but I've been like that my whole life. I'm a systems person. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and I can't stand things being done wrong because it wastes time. I think I need to learn to keep my anger and frustration in check and learn to let go. I've lost motivation to do just about everything. And with no running vehicle and knowing very few people here being stuck in this horrible depressing apartment makes me depressed. What makes me more depressed is everyday I realize I'm not normal and can't just get up and clean, fix and organize everything. I have to take it one step at a time which is slow going and even more frustrating. I keep trying to figure out how to fix things but my husband is not on board. He would rather sleep or play games and drown out the world. I don't know at this point if he's willing to change and that hurts. In his eyes I do nothing not understanding just going to school is HUGE for me and the pain is excruciating ... but I fight the depression, anxiety and pain and do it. Well this past week I got to the point I feel like why try anymore. And didn't go. Even though I'm done with everything and only 26 hours away from my license. I'm going to finish this week but its going to be so hard. I have to find rides and when I'm having a hard time I can go to my van hide and cry til I feel better ....

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm having a hard time and I'm seconds from disappearing and saying screw it all. I need to figure out what makes me happy. If its even worth it .... having physical difficulties sucks! I'm not normal I can't do everyday things others can. And it frustrates me :( I'm suffering everyday and no one seems to care. I'm tired of always giving and getting nothing in return. Its time to make changes but I'm scared. But the road I'm going down isn't good. I need to find a new road to take. But to afraid to make the turn. I need to make friends that don't use me for everything I have and stick by my side when I have nothing that benefits them :/ ok rant over ....

Just had to get it out

Absence

So I have been away for quite awhile but I wanted to check in and say I'm alive. I'm down to 449.1 lbs and dropping. It's slow going due to ,y struggle with diabetes, pain and other issues but it's coming off. I finally started seeing a Dr but that was short lived. He told me in front of my toddle I was going to die. "Not die like we are all going to die someday but die soon" ... said if I didn't take my meds I would die then discontinued them all. So I'm seeing a new Dr and that's going ok other than the fact she has been trying to push the gastro on me from day one.

Things have been rough. My vans dead so we have no way of getting around. We live on the line of 2 cities so not much is within my husband's walking distance. So that's been hard. Been fighting depression again. In August I signed up for nail tech school as that's been a passion of mine forever. Its been hard. I've finished everything only 26 hours left but I missed this week due to issues I'm having and the fact my favorite instructor passed away suddenly Wednesday which has been rough. And my panic attacks have gotten worse but now i cant figure out what is triggering 75% of them.

One last thing! Its been 4 days since I smoked a cigarette. And 3 days before that I only had 1 per day. I'm finally ready to commit to quitting once and for all! Stress and all! <3

Well I just wanted to post an update. I need to Start blogging again and holding myself accountable. I miss blogging as it helps me so I think I need to start blogging again! Missed you all! <3