Sleep

So, I didn't realize how late it was when I finally sat down to blog last night. We finally got back on a normal sleep schedule so I couldn't risk stay up all night and getting it backwards again. I wanted to hop on fast and post this for anyone who follows so they know I didn't intentionally skip posting last night. I'm up, and ready to blog before I go swimming so I should be done blogging the main one I am going to post in a few. I have set some short and long term goals for myself I will be posting and have decided to take another approach to my clean eating by doing what Chris Powell of Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition has the extremely obese use that is called carb cycling. Once I finish reading his book I am going to try it out :) This was I will never ever feel deprived and it should help me make this a complete lifestyle change I can stick to for the rest of my life :)

Still trying

I have so much on my mind. I need to find a way to clear my mind and have a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? What do you do to cope with it? I have millions of ideas flowing through my head, tons of DIY ideas to save on money, tons of senseless worries and fears ect. I need to learn hope to cope with these things and not let them eat at me. My Nicorette came in the mail, my quit day is set for the 15th (3 days from now), but man, I don't know how well that is going to go. I am going to try but I think I might need to give myself a few more day to fully get out of this depression to ensure that I give it my all. I used to have so much to do when I would get online and now I get online and my mind goes blank. There is so many things I can do, yet cant even think of one when I get on. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this hole. This deep dark depression hole my mind has wandered into. At times I wish my husband paid attention to more than his phone and games or at least pretended he was listening when I try to talk to him. I think if I stick to blogging I can get through this, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that cared. Well until the next post! Bye!!

Helplessness ....

It feels great knowing that I am making progress but I had a reality check this morning that really opened my eyes.

My husband was up all night vomiting, no idea why or where it came from and it's not like him to get sick. Our 2 year old has a head cold but no vomiting. Well I was up all night trying to take care of them and couldn't :( I had to sit down and just cry as my whole body was hurting so bad I was just shaking and trying to catch my breath and I wasn't hardly doing anything but trying to get them water and keep my son from destroying everything. Well my husband went to the bathroom yet again vomiting and then called for me so I hurried to the bathroom and hes standing in the doorway with his arms stuck in the position they were in and his hands were stuck in the fist position. He was breathing heavily and having a hard time standing so I helped him over to the bed and he was almost crying because his hands were causing so much pain and he couldn't open them. I didn't want to leave his side but my son was getting in to everything and I started to panic because my husband was rolling around the bed in pain. At that moment I realized I cant do what I need to do, what I could normally do and all I could do was panic and cry. I wanted to get him to the hospital but I cant even get my son into the car and strapped in the car seat myself without having to sit and cry in pain. Let alone go back in get my husband to the car and get us to the hospital and then walk in the hospital carrying my son helping my husband in. UGH I have been in pieces all day because of this! I ended up calling 911 and waking up my friends that are staying here to help me. Turns out the hands and arms clenched due to hyperventilating while vomiting. Thank God it wasn't something serious but I cant help but worry. That was so scary!

Once things calmed down I sat outside and just cried. I felt SO helpless!!! What if something else happens and I can't do what I need to do? This is the scariest thought ever! I'm glad I'm working hard to get healthy and this was totally a motivation to work even harder and push through the depression and anxiety I have. I knew exactly what I needed to do today and what I would have did, but it came down to the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing it anymore. I just need to remember I CAN do this and I WILL succeed!

Stats! (a little late)

 So I wanted to record my stats on here as a way to keep track of my progress and see how far I have came. I started this journey on October 21st and my starting weight was 515.5 lbs! I was to the point I just wanted to lay in bed 24/7 and wait until the day I die came, because I knew at the point I was at and the health problems I have that it wouldn't be long. I would cry in fear knowing that I wouldn't be around to watch my son grow up. I felt horrible for my husband and on many occasions told him that if I were him  I would leave me because it's not fair to him to have to take care of me. I was at the point were everything felt hopeless and felt there was nothing I could do. I am not even 30 years old yet and to the pint I'm not mobile other than being able to walk to my vehicle and that was pretty much the extent. Not to mention the excruciating pain that my whole body (my back is the absolute worst!) is in 24/7. When you get to that point what do you do? I couldn't go for walks to get exercise  pretty much nothing. Just walking like 10ft to the bathroom and my heart rate was that of someone who just ran a marathon. My pulse at rest is over 150 24/7 if you can imagine how the slightest physical activity spikes it up. Ok well I sat here last night fighting with myself to post this so I think I just need to do it and own up to what I have done to myself.


Weight as of 12/24/2012:
473lbs

Measurements:

Calves - 21 inches
Thighs - 32 inches
Biceps - 21 inches
Elbow - 14 inches
Hips 74 inches
Waist - 71 inches
Chest - 76 Inches
Above Chest (under arms) - 60 inches
Neck - 21 inches


Ok I have listed them, now I just have to press publish :/ I am beyond ashamed but I am who I am and by next year and the year after and so on I will become the person that I want to be! :)

Weight Loss Challenge?!?!?!?! Ummm YES please!

Ok so I'm beyond excited right now!!! I have been passing this billboard in town here for weeks and have been putting off taking down the number and finding out what it is all about. Well today as I was looking up membership info to Anytime Fitness since we have one right down the street from where we live I found that I can get a 14 day free trial pass to see if it's something that I want to invest in if it would benefit me. Wellllll I found that the site that I wanna join, has a Facebook page and on that Facebook page they had all the info on the weight loss challenge! So I decided to take a look and check it out. After reading all the info and seeing the requirements ect I think I am soooo going to join!! Its $45 and it starts January 26th (first official weigh in) It ends July 16th and here are the prizes! 

$5,000 for 1st place percentage lost
$2,500 for 2nd place percentage lost
$750 for 3rd place percentage lost
$1,000 for 1st place pounds lost
$500 for 2nd place pounds lost
$250 for 3rd place pounds lost

Ok I'm not a genius but from the weight that I'm starting at I have a pretty decent chance at winning on of the most pounds lost. I mean, I'm not just joining to try and win but you can bet your butt that will help keep me motivated! My friend is also going to join with me so that will help as well. I took my measurements and weight yesterday and will be posting that in another post late on tonight after I finish last minute wrapping all his presents. I can say that as of today I have lost 45.5lbs! I had gained 8lbs back a couple weeks ago but have managed to take that back off and a few extra pounds! I am VERY proud of myself!! And this has been done strictly with healthy eating. I think I might have posted in another post that I'm limited currently mobility wise currently due to my weight. I am beyond ashamed of how bad I let myself get, but today is a new day and what I do today will determine the future that I am building for myself and my family. I just wanna be around to watch my son grow and be able to play with him and join school functions when he gets older and all the stuff a normal mother is able to do. Which at this moment I am not currently able to do and it completely break my heart! The small things in life everyone takes for granted ... shopping, showers, walking, standing, cooking, cleaning, changing a diaper ect is not something I can take for granted. It is a challenge each time I have to do anything including getting out of bed in the morning. I am in constant severe pain all over due to my weight and I'm unable to even stand for more than a couple minutes anymore. But I can say that I am on the right path to get my life back on day at a time. This will be a long slow journey but will be the most rewarding thing in the end! I'm hopping off to get the presents wrapped but I'll post shortly about my all my starting and current info so I can have all that recorded as I make progress I can look back on it. 

High Expectations

I'm sitting here kinda bummed hoping people would magically find my blog, hopefully be interested, and leave comments of support and encouragement. I need to remember that I haven't told hardly anyone about my blog and I tend to ramble so I might not get many people that are even interested in reading my blog. I hope in the future someone that chooses to read this, might be interested in my journey and want to be here and support me :) I haven't did a post yet of my weight, how much I have lost yet, when I started my journey or anything else but I promise I will soon. Until I hit 100lbs lost I wont be posting about my blog on my social media sites as I'm VERY ashamed of how bad my weight became. Once I hit 100lbs lost I'll be continuing blogging a lot but I also will be starting a YouTube channel and doing a daily video where I can talk and express things better and feel more connected with my supporters and hopefully encourage other people that are sitting at home feeling completely hopeless and like giving up that it is possible to get your life back and live instead of feeling like your already dead and living on borrowed time, as I still do but know I'm going to prove myself wrong and be here to watch my child grow up! Which is the main reason I have started this journey. If anyone is indeed reading this please feel free to comment as I would love any tips, encouragement or support :) if you would like to see my food log ect feel free to find me on caloriecount.com my name on there is onamissionformyself :)